lent day 1 | raw + unedited

raw + unedited || lent day 1 it was when 15 years were ticking on to 20 like the blinking of an eye i stopped pointing the finger looking in every self-help book for the why’s stopped talking to anyone about my circle living + its crazymaking on a walk one day i was angry + desperate i asked, “ papa, if this power that raised jesus from the dead lives in me why is nothing changing? why am i still going around in circles doing the same things over + over? “ when 20 years earlier i sat in a small country church listening to a pastor from st. kitts read isaiah 6 right from the bible and wept + my heart cried “ send me “ in the spirit realm the clock struck midnight the genes of my wilderness memoirs began i had no idea that what was coming was going to ruin me + save my life in hindsight i wonder if the first question was the answer to the first question? i believe now that God allowed the circumstances of my life to unfold taking me out of the church + its “ spirit of religion “ that was stealing my life really how could Abba send someone that was lacking…a newborn baby left out in the field bloody in need of love when a child grows up without nurture love protection they seek for it in all the wrong places that none of those places can truly fill i had to learn about this jesus who lived in me what that really meant what the kingdom of God really was it wasn’t an institution or a building or on sundays + wednesdays i was unaware of the tender swaddling of Jesus how He rocked + rocked me speaking words of love over me singing me love songs you wanted to speak words of love into my very being over + over again until i believed them you took me out into the wilderness to rebuild me life’s circumstances literally dismantled everything i used to survive i was in such survival mode that everyday was just let me make it through today…through this night…it was the most painful thing to watch my children be in such pain and not being able to do anything ( that is the lie i believed ) it ate me alive. day after day i was stripped of my driven personality to be superwoman and mom i homeschooled 4 children, taught a sunday school class, kept my house spotless and inside felt superior because no one could do all i did… that kind of gross thinking. as my marriage was spinning like a top trying to keep my surviving in check the stress turned on me. on my health. on the inside funny..the ulcers + blood were all on the inside eating me from inside out and my skin hid what was going on inside so i could walk around looking one way + hiding what really going on isn’t that what humans do best? we can hide almost anything from other humans for a very long time can’t we? but not God He sees everything and by choice goes into those dark places with us and sits there until we are ready to turn back to Him the wilderness lasted about 15 years while i was stripped naked of everything i thought i needed i saw my Love in every new way i can think of Jesus loved me to live. He revived me He began rebuilding me telling me Who He was for me + who i was to Him He smuggled me into His secret place where i’m kept safe + secure ( psalms 27:5-6 msg ) the wilderness ended in june 2015 when i said YES to partnering with God in one of the scariest things i have ever done! i’m sure He was like, “ child, FINALLY! i believed the lie that i was stuck that i was just meant to live on the sidelines of life i really did believe i was a victim… oh that just makes me so mad at the devil!! i learned that i couldn’t sit around for 15 years expecting God to swoop in and rescue me without me having to lift my hand .. to be a part of the rescue He doesn’t enable He had to “make me something” before He could GIVE me something! whew that is awesome right there! i am now in a new season. a season of unlearning so much of what i thought was truth. every bit as BIG + SCARY only in a different way i now know my Papa so much better. i’ve got so much to write + share

it is time to set the captives free with our testimonies! there is power + freedom in testimonies God is raising up warriors from all over right now let it be said of this generation like in Hebrews 11 by an act of faith ( insert your name ) no matter how old or young you are. your alive! now is the time no more excuses. it is time to say YES to what you know you are to do the YES is worth everything God will never ever ever ever disappoint You really did catch me papa…i love you so

first seen on IG 2.11.16