to be made whole and holywe are the focus of His love
it is in christ we find out who we are and what we are living for
hear the truth believe the truth we are sealed by the Holy Spirit.
before we were adopted we let the world tells how we were to live now we learn to trust Jesus enough to let Him grow us.
we are being created this very moment to join Him in His work that He has gotten ready for us to do
the kingdom of faith is now our home country i am no longer an outsider. i BELONG here.
i swallowed my pride. i am learning to love. i also learning to be loved by the perfect Lover.
i am done following rules i am surrendered to follow Jesus. period.
sleeping in past my usual pre-dawn alarm clock had me feeling a bit off this morning. i made the coffee. a splash of coconut creme creamer. stirred. lit a candle and sat down.
my before one cup brain fog hadn't lifted so i sat there taking a few gulps before i knew it one cup was gone and still abba and i sat there i poured another cup. splash of creamer. stir sit
bathroom, IG, added some more to my todo list, checked the shop, made a phone call, a text
then focused on the book of ephesians again. i have been reading the entire book "almost" daily wanting to make it a part of me like breathing in and out
yesterday in my journal i wrote down that it is in Jesus that i find myself! how do i know that? it says it as plain as day in Ephesians 1:11-12
the thought didn't escape me that over these last months i am changing. I will be 47 this april and i really do feel the clock ticking much faster than it used to when you have been to nearly dead and back it changes the way you get up in the morning.
:::saturday aha moment
i am practicing..i mean like DOING it.. to stop listening to what the world tells me i am to be you see, the truth is in ephesians i am done with letting the fear of growing old and my husband cheating on me hold me hostage
losing the elasticity in my skin, wrinkles, my hair thinning, cellulite, saddlebags and muffin tops my boobs..well i never had much of that. sorry to tell ya honey i am no victoria secrets model. while i think they are beautiful and honestly i do not look like that in lingerie and maybe you don't need me to or expect me to but i feel the pressure
but i am not caring so much these days.
i am wanting to cut my hair off a bit. just a bit. i have lost so much of the thickness since the surgeries and to be honest i am afraid i will feel ugly. i have a big nose and a larger head...true statement and i am ok with that pulling my hair back in a ponytail and tucking it in the elastic makes me feel a little writer"ish" and some studious looking glasses maybe?
that feeling..you know the one when you feel really good about something inside..like it is YOU! means more to me than what you think of my big nose and head with shorter hair
i made a list on the plane back home from Seattle visiting my sister friend lissa she blesses and inspires me. she is a gift. ( and these pictures are hers...aren't they beautiful )
i feel SO blessed to be more aware that i am becoming who He created me to be
:::my saturday list
here is the list of some things i am learning about myself maybe you can relate to a few
1. i need solitude breaks every several months. just me and God time. to take a break from the frantic life. to contemplate and cast visions. to stop and give time to really dissect all of the noise and get down to mine and God's. 2. i love comfy and cozy spaces. 3. good smells. they cost more but they are worth saving and splurging on. 4. good coffee. espresso is my new love. 5. even better. chocolate with coffee. 6. coffee dates with sister friends. friends that get you. sharpen, encourage and call you upwards. 7. i am simple. simple clothes. simple hair. 8. i am an adventurer at heart. 9. i am brave. 10. i love really good books and i am making a commitment to read again. 11. i am a savor"er". i love to savor things that make my heart leap like the way coffee washes over the salt in salted caramels 12. having a thankful mindset has changed everything 13. i love drinking sparkling water out of long stem glasses with a slice of lime 14. i am a foodie. i love to experience food with people i love. 15. i don't believe it running anymore. what you run from always finds you. big girls..grown women face their giants even when they are afraid 16. i am a grown woman. i don't need a savior in human form. i have a Savior and His name is Jesus. i can make my own decisions and i really really like that:) it is freeing!
i realized i am done going through the motions. i have been done for awhile now and i can see the difference in my life now. i am done with saying yes to the fear's of what if he leaves me. it just keeps you locked up and intimidated and controlled. or of being who "they" want me to be i am learning to hear my own voice for the first time in my life and i really really love it i am learning to love myself. to really LISTEN to myself. to love this once broken lost girl who just needed to be loved and taken care of and searched and chose things that only enabled and drove her to keep driving herself to fit in...only to be empty at the end of a day.
i don't say this with anger or animosity but with GREAT JOY and FREEDOM like i really am twirling in a wide open space..hands high hugging my abba for His affection and love for me - ready to explore this spacious life ready to take His hand.
i want to encourage all women...but especially middle aged women to begin to listen to your voice
a few coffee's in i began to feel JOY..real joy and just offered up thanksgiving to jesus for just today one day to move a little slower. to do laundry. to cook a real meal to write a bit. to know a little more of who i am and getting more and more comfortable in my own skin to not always feel like i have to apologize for everything i say to stop saying sorry because someone makes me feel ashamed of myself to say no to false guilt that i am forgiven of all of the past to use my new eyes and ears to see all of the places God is working and JOIN Him! to really begin living not living for everyone else and becoming who they think i should be but for YOU Jesus! for you! it is in YOU that i am becoming and i really, really like her
and it all began unbeknownst to me when psalm 18: 20-24 came to life within my life
when i let go and let God take control of rewriting my life
so 50...here i come!
and i don't dare take any of it for granted!