to lissa..for capturing my heart in photographs...xo
my voice is shaky and shy and can be very awkward at the least...but i am finding it i am not feeling so invisible
it is in the doing..putting thoughts into action -- that is the KEY to living BRAVE!
you see..i spent years of "time with God"
years of acquiring knowledge through books, classes, seminars, conferences none of these things are wrong in and of themselves.. however..NONE of them changed the cycle of insanity that kept the merry go round of crazy spinning
i struggled to figure out how to make the journal pages begin to write something new!! i would read through old journals and each one would sound exactly the same...it was frustrating when i was trying everything i knew
part of the problem was FEAR
i was unknowably held hostage behind a wall of lie bricks....built up so tall that very little light could come in my pain was so great on the inside God couldn't get in..neither could anyone else..i was walled in on all sides
i was a prisoner .. waiting for my knight in shining armor - God - to swoop down and rescue me and when that didn't happen despair and depression ate me alive
leaving me whimpering on a dirt floor with tears as my drink and my own flesh as my food
on the outside i "appeared" to be a normal mom .. all smiles..homeschooled, taught sunday school, had the "perfect" family teaching sunday school with a baby on my hip..cooked up dinner..hung clothes on the line..consumed with the crumbling walls trying to plaster them back before anyone could see the cracks of our family and what was happening behind closed doors...especially our church..i just couldn't be "spiritual" enough..so i tried harder...and harder
on the inside the scream that was silent went unheard as the darkness crept in..the storm was rolling in and my family would be hit by a life-changing storm that forever altered the landscape of our family. it was a blessing i didn't know what was ahead because i would not have went
God didn't write a fairytale ending for this girl..instead he thrust me into the wilderness and said woman, find thyself and gave me a promise thatHis angel would go before me and that He would be my rear guard that He knew the way i needed to go and that if i would be strong and courageous He would destroy my enemies before me and that He would get me to the new land that He would show me and that there would be giants there but that He would help me destroy them and that i would never be alone
these were some of the promises He gave me and that is all i had to hold onto things started really changing was when i acted on them by taking risks of bravery
my pain was hot to the touch and came out only at select counseling sessions and when i was alone the wracking of sobs of a lost girl who desperately needed someone to rescue her i really believed i wasn't able to do that for myself...a learned helplessness added to that were my babies..my children...how was i to save them too?
i was thrust in head first and can only tell you from this side of it that i didn't hear the words
woman, find thyself! i didn't see it as a love...i think it was God's tough-love....ha!
so i knee-jerked my way through the first couple of years and when that didn't work i switched to woman, save yourself - i was pretty good at this one for awhile
then onto woman, survive thyself
none of it worked..maybe when i was at the end of myself the dots finally started to connect
we were living in independence in a big rental home where i thought the fairytale would finally come true
only to find that the definition of insanity really is a true statement that the same thing happened again..in what seemed 18 times and counting
my heart finally shattered in a million little pieces
i moved the kids and i to a little rental house across the street from my mom
and a wrestling began between God and me
He began to give me eyes to see i really wasn't an orphan
i was a daughter. HIS daughter to be exact
i AM NOT an ORPHAN...I am the DAUGHTER of the KING it was life-changing when i stopped believing i was an orphan and started LIVING like a DAUGHTER!!
one day Jesus gave me this verse in john 11:40 " jesus looked her in the eye. " didn't i tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?"
i always wanted to "understand" everything but jesus was telling me to just BELIEVE
i began to live by belief rather than understanding
i cannot live anyone else's story. i have to begin to live mine to SURRENDER ALL of me to ALL of Him..not another person or thing or idea
i love what mark batterson says in his book All In
jesus didn't die to keep us safe he died to make us dangerous
i don't know about you but i want to live the rest of my life dangerous!
not isolated and protected i wast to LIVE in the WIDE OPEN SPACE God died to give me knowing that i will always have FEAR i will always be afraid of things...i am an introvert that loves people too shannon;) the key to change is prACTicing COURAGE..
it really is doing it afraid..it is living dangerous...how?
it is taking risks! that is scary as ??!!
it opportunities that are WAY out of our comfort zones but if we don't
we will never write OUR very own STORIES
i believe stories are medicine
and people are sick paralyzed in the battlefield called life who is going to carry the stretcher to the wounded? sometimes God wears skin ( paraphrased from the character steady from the book unwritten )
i was that girl..who needed someone to take a risk on her and no one did because God had a lesson for me
well...i take that back God did take a risk on me but it wasn't the fairytale and knight in shining armor that my little girl heart dreamt of
now i see it as a great love story..one filled with adventures waiting to be LIVED!
so now - i want to be a God-skin wearer and help carry the stretcher to the wounded i know there are others just.like.me out there
it doesn't matter my idea of whether my story is good nor not bottom line: my story isn't mine. it is His
Jesus didn't die to keep me safe..to get me safely to heaven he died to make me dangerous
she who is BrAVE really IS FREE!!