i wish i would have known.
i was trying to find this image and it led me on a reminiscing of sorts. my life in blog form
this is the house where this post came from. it was where God came down in a very real way and changed the course of our lives. i struggle missing this house. i believe this was number 17. houses i mean. in 20 years. that is a lot of houses. i had my first real soul friend here. i fought hard to stay. for the kids. for me. i have achingly longed for a home of my own. to just be somewhere.
years of fighting took its toll on everything. a chronic disease from a chronic life of not trusting.
i have wanted to write since i saw stacks of yellow legal pads that my grandpa wrote on when i was a little girl. i don't know what he wrote about i just know he wrote. as i grew older i found love stories. at 12 i was reading novels that were inappropriate for a girl my age. i was drawn into their story lines. i wanted that "love" in my life. to be loved like that. at 12 you have no idea what real love even is.
i cry writing these words. there is so much sadness at the length i would go for love. to belong. i had a gaping hole and i spent years trying to fill it. to a wounded young girl you don't realize that when you take a bottle of sleeping pills to get a guy to love you isn't written on paper it is mortal. you can't write the character back to life. and if you could shake that girl and tell here...HE isn't worth it! you life will be a living hell...and she would listen. but you can't. ( but God was always right there )
no one can tell you when you are hell bent on your own way can they?
i used to think being strong was getting back at those that hurt you was being able to survive. was being right i used to think it was controlling things so that i could feel safe i used to think being strong was sucking it up. dealing with the pain i used to think blaming made it ok i used to think having babies was having a family. was having someone to love
i am just weeping as i write. the memories are sad. i wish i would have known i write this not to live back there again because i don't...much but to begin to make some sense of my story so i can share it someday. there is so much that i don't ever know where to start so i just don't. this year i want to begin
i wish i would have known how deep the pain would be of divorce of letting your children live with their dad thinking it would be best i wish i would have know that being whoever someone wanted so that they would stay wasn't really love i wish i would have known that someone belittling you wasn't love that strings attached to love isn't really love i wish i would have known how to leave i wish i would have know that the grass isn't greener and that often...when your own life isn't healed you choose something way worse
i wish i would have know preachers aren't always safe and they too can be wounded and wound people..families
i wish i would have never entered that church that day. never talked to that man. i lost so much of myself...my family through all of that
i wished i would have been able to leave and be on my own and be ok with that i wished i could have left 10 years ago when my kids begged me
i wish i would have know i was a strong woman... i always wanted to write. i am NOT a writer in the sense of all the amazing authors i read...bloggers i read. all i have is my story and for some crazy reason this won't leave me alone. for years to write my story hounds me. i can't explain it. and i struggle because i don't know grammer. i can't make sense...ugh
oh abba..if i would have know all of these things if i wouldn't have taken the road i choose i wouldn't have a story to tell would i? i couldn't enter into others pain and sit there i would never have known of YOUR love. i would never have known what real strength is real heart healing..forgiveness..i wouldn't be learning of boundaries
that saying no doesn't mean i don't love you that being real..being vulnerable is being strong
...sigh breathe out
as the new year turns the page i am face down hands out reaching for more of YOU my house is a mess and honestly? that isn't going to change no matter how much i muster up the new year get organized mantra. i am living in a house i am grateful for but i don't like. at all. there are strings attached. i am praying this year for God to open up a home for me. when it is time. it would be a miracle to do so on my own but He is God in every season isn't He?
this year i just need more of You God...more of me. more changing. more real...more of what it ETERNAL! more healing more JOY...more PEACE! amen and amen
i am learning that. He is showing me that as i grow in trust.
He has shown me that taking responsibility for ME . for my actions is the only way to CHANGE it wasn't about changing everyone else God wanted to CHANGE ME!
when we begin to really change it changes everything else BUT it is a loooong journey. it hasn't happened in a month or a year. it has been a process of surrendering of months of not hearing God. dark places of the soul deep valleys sprinkled with a few mountaintops but it is arduous!
you see...what i am knowing this new year is looking back over my life -- He is shaping me into this courageous woman that He always knew me as. i am a stubborn daughter and He loves me anyway. He wants my heart. i have always wanted things from Him. to be rescued. to help me...and He wants to help me but not in the way i sometimes asked.
all of the pivotal points in my life He is using to shape me as i grow in relationship with Him. that is what He wants from me. and He does His best work in the weakness. in the surrender. in the giving up of my life as i see it.
and friends...in this giving up my life He has taken me in places that i cannot even put words to yet. when He gives permission for your health to be touched it can turn your world upside down. life seems to be easy when you have your health, money, family a home etc. the tangible things in life but touch the heart of you soul....
so this year while my house is a chronic mess..it is to cold to clean my truck out and dog hair prevails i am choosing to take His hand for one more day.
because you see....He is all i really need. He is the only One who can heal me from the inside out. not just a diseased colon but a heart. and not only that...He can use it to help others and He will be seen.
that is my humble prayer. that all of my life choices He really can use for my good and His glory. and that all of my kids will KNOW Him in a very personal way. that He is the ONLY way.
that they will be able to take the hard things in their lives...from my choices and see them as nuggets of gold to be written into the pages of their stories...that God is still ABLE to redeem.
running to Him with open arms....xo