girls -- i am wounded - broken but not beyond healing. if i do my work. i am a sponge compared to a rock. everything that enters my life good or bad is soaked up right down to the center of the sponge. i am not the rock that is hard and things just roll right off.not me. i don"t say that to be prideful or to be victim. i say it to honor my journey. to continue to connect the dots in my life. to keep learning. to share what i HAVE learned. to do the work in my own life.
after almost a week of a much needed vacation ( more on that later) we are back in the shop starting monday and there is lots to do. lots to catch up on in a week off let me tell ya. what birthed the first vacation of summer for us was i found myself up to my eyeballs in the midst of jesus's words i mark 4:18-19
lets just stop and begin right here with the truth telling..
how i am sowing? not well my friends. not well. not to beat myself up because i am learning to look at life circumstances as teacher's. God isn't out there punishing me at every turn so i am working on not punishing me either.
so hang on to the seat of your pants because we are going in a whole new direction. i might .. ok i will be all over the place for a bit while i learn my way in writing but please bear with me.
i want this place to be safe. to become a place where we can share our stories with no judgement. we are each unique like a fingerprint and until you walk in someone else's shoes we best be careful not to judge and leave that to God. i want this to be a place where churchianity is thrown out the door because here is a spiritual place where we honor one another. we are sister's. i am honored to be your sister and i pray you feel the same.
i am frayed and exhausted and fragmented. i am angry. while having a life partner can be helpful in bearing the load even with one often that isn't always the experience. i cannot blame it on the lack of a partner. i have been burning the candle at both ends and like shauna said i might have lighted the center as well. i always choose to do this with my life no matter what it is. working out, church,
my own business...whatever!
i needed a pause. to stop. to breath. i need that deep inhale that threatens to burst every alveoli in my lungs kind of pause. this was just a start. i could no longer hear myself think. it is not a good place for an unidentifiable woman to be. i don't know who i am yet so i am practicing going slow.
i heard someone say that if you keep going this way and you do not pause you will always choose the same way and this is not good when you are broken.
i have spent the last years doing lots of my own heart work...apart from blaming my husband, my parents yada yada BUT i have begun to see a new rut that i keep going round and around in. and sisters it is a big one! abba consistently shows it to me in so many ways and with all 5 senses too:) He's good like that--He knows my learning style. He knows my head is as hard a a rock and my heart is a sponge.
i was woken up last week right before our roadtrip to MN with the words you are the esther generation...what? i mean it was soooo real. so loud. i sprang up from my bed which these days i more like getup like a kitty cat that has been lying in the sun...long and slow stretches rather reluctantly--
and i read esther. just like that. i had seen esther generation on ann's blog but i haven't read much about it. so i did. what does this mean? i believe it is means we..each one-- have a NOW. a time such as this.
and if we are truthful time is flying by and we all will die. we don't have time to waste on things that have no value. I want to stop being so indulgent. america is self indulgent and we loose sight of value. of what really matters. of what we can take into eternity. with tongue in cheek--almost hypocritically i get caught up in the mall of america and ikea. you get what i am saying right? not that there is anything whatsoever wrong with those places. we enjoyed them very much. but i was experiencing it with all my senses just how indulgent and oblivious we are to what is really going on. so i am praying for a teachable heart..and eyes and ears.
i believe this is one of my daily prayers. a teachable heart and eyes that see & ears that hear the spirit world.
and then as if that wasn't lesson enough
the gift of the bread & wine book found its way into my suitcase and i have marked that book up and down and even cooked from two of the recipes! ( more on that too) truthfully-i don't make time to read the dozen books i have purchased over the last month's. remember i am burning my candle vorociously....but this book and the mini break in minnesota were a godsend. shauna challenged me to look at hard places and stirred my heart to action...to do some more work and to cook...ha! craziest book ever:)
and then if that wasn't lesson enough
i was watching a show we had recorded and as abba always seems to like to do he had the verse...for such a time as this you know the words a week prior that woke me from sleep? yeah. it works like that sometimes.
and the cherry on top was Isaiah 61.
ok ok already! see what happens when you pause? stop long enough to hear? i am not there by any means but i have been using the books i purchased to prioritize my life and take out all the unnecessary stuff..i have struggled even with the sign shop and blog to be honest. these things can become our identity. a little god and takes over our lives choking out all the growth. driving us...choking out God...and choking out fruit.
it is not a joke to me. i am serious. i am ready to surrender to some drastic changes to make sure i am right where i need to be. i have to surrender all.
an open armed and looking up kinda surrender
i know. i know. i laugh like sarai. i struggle so much with this it has paralyzed me. for years. i am not a natural writer. heck i can't even make sense at mcdonalds to order a sweet tea! i am constantly misinterpreted. nikki is like my aaron in family arguments. nikki tell her what i mean...
but here's the deal. i have a story that i haven't told on my blog. i think it is time to truth tell it in a way that honors my family and most importantly myself. why you ask?
that's not a silly question. for most family secrets are just that. secrets. secrets can smother & kill though not everyone is called to share in such a way either. that is ok. for me--years i have kept a written record of dialogue between abba and i. i know writing/teaching something is what my purpose is. the problem is i don't know in what shape that will take form. i don't know what that will look like. i get stuck there. fear of the unknown. not believing that that purpose could possibly yours. i mean everybody in their blogging brother is writing books! am i just jumping on the bandwagon?
...no. i have years of journals to back my heart for writing/teaching up so check that off the list. i don't know what it will look like 6 months from now. a year from now all i know is that first..it is for myself. i am stuck. if i do not be obedient to this i will never find healing for this place in my soul. i really believe that story..when told with humble honor helps others tell their story. honors their story. telling the truth sets free. shining the light on the dark reveals. is it painful? absolutely but one can't find healing without pain why? because to own our own stuff takes courage. it is much easier to blame others or to stuff in down...to hold it in. to keep it secret but below the surface thereis always simmering
for my children. while four are adults now and much of the woundedness for them has been done i still have one i can mentor. that i can be 100% naked with and pray she catches some of it. even though they are grown and i may not be able to be the mother they needed then i can be an example now. i can own my story and my new chapters and pray in some ways i encourage and teach them. i was encouraged by shauna's chapter on her mother. and will be one of my new cuff's from becky soon...it is never to late! and from what i am learning mothers play a very big role in women's story. grown or child.
and i am understanding more of what i've have learned and seen in my own family generational stuff. pathological stuff. you can't deny it. i believe there are levels of brokenness. not everyone is born into such wounded families. i also believe there is a reason for everything. God does't make mistakes. i believe there is a story to tell. i believe that denying your purpose will have an impact. just like Esther...God will use someone else but He wants delights even to use us. He wants to use our story. i have experienced others story and it has had such a powerful impact on my own changing me. helping me see things with a new set of glasses. and the ultimate peak is that God gets the glory. only Him...only He is able to heal when we let Him. it is us that runs from the pain. we don't connect that healing is painful. i can't stress that enough but coming out on the other side is powerful.
i want to have a circle of "my people". i don't have that. never have. i am extremely scared of people. i haven't figured out why but in time i will. i am an aries..now before you go get all up in the air about God and the zodiac
do not "live" by my daily horoscope. never have. BUT recently i read about my aries sign and it fits me to the T but you know what? i am not living that because the wounds are covering up the adventurous person that i am. i have a deep love of history. i want to travel the world. i have a heart for humanitarian things. i have always wanted to write/teach and to live by water...i have visions of what i believe would make things better. i have a heart to see people healed. to have AHA moments...to get it
i can see houses set up for women wanting to leave abusive relationships but having no where to go..no real life tools to help them. i have been there. still am in so many ways.
this is why i have to be obedient. this is why i have to do my work. i cannot change those around me. some people will never own their stuff. ever. and that is ok. it doesn't mean we can't. that we can't keep moving forward. we have to let it go and keep moving. i have gotten stuck in that hoping- praying- trying season or i should say season's of thinking they would or will. don't waste to much time there.
so PAUSE today--what do you hear? what is your gut been saying to you for a very long time? are you listening if so--say it out loud in words below. then it is out there to come back and visit and see how your doing:) love LOVE love to you my "people":)
here is the :::SHOP NEWS:::
our first holiday sign is in the shop. we showed a sneak peek of a few of our holiday signs a couple of weeks ago on IG. we will add the rest over the next couple of days.
very soon i am closing down the shop possibly until the first of the year to devote more time to my writing..my story & my family. more on that soon:)
oh..and while is was away my sweet soul friend shaunna posted precious ava's room reveal in which we were humbled to create a sign for her room. powerful words are they not? they are living words...active words and they accomplish what they set out to do the bible tells us and we have prayed those over little ava's heart. go take a look see:)