i am pregnant with words so much so that i have to pace myself so i am going back to this post for a bit and taking it apart to share some of the things i doing to change my behavior of what is working and what is not i asked here how to get off this merry go round called life..the frenzied frantic pace we live here in america and all the while a smile plastered on our face and lips that quickly say i'm good how are you?
but on the inside i am caving..praying someone would see me and save me..
how do i slow down? what does that look like? well i by no means am an expert but i can share what it is looking like for me i am sure i will edit as i go but for now this is what i am doing
for me it began by asking for help...literally. i needed an intervention sometimes your kids can't give you what you need. they aren't supposed to. even when they are grown children i was drowning in life. it came to a screeching halt..an avalanche of sorts with big and little pieces being shaken loose and they were picking up force on their way down i saw it..felt it..knew it
and i had a choice i could let them all fall or keep the plates spinning in the air by sucking it up and letting the bitterness fueled by hurt keep burning hot and hard
glory be to God i began the process of letting some of them fall and that someone & Someone showed up in a very real tangible way i think this is just simple and we make it so HARD it is called SURRENDER it is hard because it HURTS. it hurts because God is asking for those things that are most precious to us
i call it my abraham moment...God wanted my ISAAC...and ONLY HE knows when we are really surrendered
and the weight..oh the weight girls..the bitterness and anger and the want to control was gone in almost that moment years of me asking...abba how do i forgive in this? how? i wrestled with God for years with this question and because we are given a choice and He never forces but so gently loves us all the way and never leaves our side He lets us wrestle...and WAITS until that divine moment in eternal time when we have had enough
and that was our moment i heard Him speak so clearly on that porch that morning i pray i never forget
so it begins with a choice cradeled in divine timing
i had to have someone from the outside that could see. that knew me almost better than i know myself. that knew all my ugly sometimes we can't see the forest from the trees we need someone who can see inside our mess where we can no longer see
i was given a daily plan my work space was cleaned up and organized. i wasn't overwhelmed when i walked downstairs to work. slowly things have a home. things were built to help me work smarter. not harder. i am off of the floor now when i built frames for signs. it is WONDERFUL. it is just a baby step but one i can firmly stand on while i wait for the next i have a candle down there now...glass in the back door so it is no longer dark and more lighting was installed
simple things like that can make all the difference
then my goal is 5 a day. 5 to stay alive...funny but it works for me right now.
5 signs a day and box and move them out. i was all clogged and overwhelmed...
this give me a goal for each day
a manageable GOAL. so important for a LIST MAKER...i feel like i am accomplishing something every.single.day
someday's...like yesterday. i had a hair appointment that takes several hours so i had to give myself grace knowing i couldn't do 5 signs yesterday but i could do 5 things...and that is OK
you see for someone who has a HURRY addiction...thoughts bombard your mind all.day.long you can't stay FOCUSED on any one thing and it drives you crazy because your list of to do's grow so big you feel sunk before you ever embark. it can be debilitating
FOR NOW - lots of things don't get done within each day and that is ok too right now getting our signs done and out the door are second my health and healing are first...ick... is that a "christian" thing to do..is that selfish? boy have i fought that lie but yes...if i'm healthy and willing then my family will be too. it just works that way
i learned something from watching the author to the book untethered soul...kinda new "agey" but i saw a practical way...a tool if you will to help me deal with my mind. after all that is where the battle is the bible tells me. when things come into my mind...a disturbance if you will...something is said that triggers me..triggers the thorns or wounds in my spiritual flesh..whatever those may be i stop and ask the question is this worth me being disturbed???
most of the time it isn't so i lean back into abba's arms and just let it go by-in my minds eye i picture it just the way i said it.
i am practicing DOING this. everyday. so that it creates a new way of being. of behaving. and it is working
and if it is something that i need to address...i can then do so from a calm place AND it also gives me clues as to where i may need some healing. why is this or that upsetting me so much..that sort of thing
i am SEEING so much FREEDOM in forgivenessin the amount of ENERGY i have given to things that are not glorifying to Godand hurtful to me
this is the ONLY LIFE we are gifted. how i am spending my time is so valuable to me now i don't want to spend it trying to sale signs and just building more and more that can become a snare...for me i want to teach what God is teaching me one step at a time
signs are wonderful. i love them. i am humbled and blessed by the business God has grown for us. period! however--there are a bazillion sign makers out there...and some good ones. my friend tara is one of them! she is a true friend...a soul sister who prays over me and i want to lift her up. i no longer want to be bound by anything that would hinder me or anyone from pursuing their calling...you know what i mean? it can wear a sister out...:)
i want to become an encourager THAT is what the body of CHRIST is. it isn't a building for pete's sake it is a living breathing organism of stories!! we are called to love each other LOVE..put aside our judgement..our anger..our wanting to fix..our jealousy..our WANTS..our being RIGHT.. it gets me excited..it gives meaning to my pain..to my life
we are called to surrender we are called to freedom we are called to come along side and comfort with the comfort we are comforted with
it began with my ISAAC what i call a wide open surrender. take it abba speak it out loud
give it a voice whatever ugly you have been hiding speak it God is a GIVER of grace for TRUTH there is healing in the light of His LOVE by His stripes we are healed
intentionally living much slower within each day for sure literally taking thoughts in my head captive...all day long taking the time to pay attention to them and doing something with them letting the spirit help me control them. DOING something with them
and STOP letting my thoughts control me glory to God..and amen
:::: disclaimer ::::
and here i smile big but i just have to say this. for my sweet friends none of you will EVER know how much your words .. your comments mean to me often i read them and weep i am a heart sleeve wearer i don't suck up and play games which translates -- i am pretty real on here all my crazy out there for all to read but that is what i feel God calling me to do
even more now. slowly it is coming so i do apologize for not being clear and if you don't understand somethings i just can't say on here yet. it isn't time and i have to think of my children God will let me know when and if it is time so some things may not make total sense they will someday:)
and i am just learning to spread my writing wings. so i am giving myself grace to just share each time what God would have me to.
in my way and by that i mean not comparing myself to the writers i soooo admire and wish i were like the truth is i am not like them i have my own story like they have theirs and i have to honor mine like i honor theirs
i got the infection...and i never want to be cured either ann:)
i am willing to learn and grow but for now...first and foremost all that is going to come out on here is me just sorting and sifting through what God is showing me
i will share it piece by piece and then go back and dissect it even more...hopefully more clearly...ha! anyway...i beat myself up for not having time to comment back to all of you every.single.time someday i hope to but please KNOW that i value and read each one. i am in your debt my warrior women sister friends..truly
in His grip of grace and not letting go xotiff
Prayer of FAITH is based in relationship with God rather than in what other people say about God. In this posture we believe that God can do for US what we CANNOT DO for ourselves. For months, this was the only prayer I could pray--"God do for me what I cannot do for myself". And then all I could do was wait- and the LONGING within me carved deeper and DEEPER into my soul-making space for the WORK Of God... -pilgrimage of a soul - phileena heuertz
These words spoke so deeply to me. #pilgrimageofasoul #myheart#godanswersprayers #grateful #believingGod