**i love dee and her heart "art" a piece for my someday new bedroom as a child i loved dot to dot's. the anticipation of seeing the picture emerge challenged me to keep connecting. sometimes i would connect the wrong dot causing me to stop and look at the picture again and imagine what it was becoming before seeing which dot i missed.
coming out of hiding is sort of like connecting the dots.
i have used so many things in my life - ways to cope to numb.that i am sure have helped in forming solid habits that formed the mask i wore evolving into a full blown costume..unknowingly of course a child doesn't intentionally think that deep about doing something to make himself "feel" better. as a child if it makes her feel better odds are the feeling will be felt again and it met with the same action and over time it becomes a rock solid piece of who we are.
posting on IG yesterday i was quite taken aback on the response to HIDING. i know i am not alone in this journey.
i woke this morning to the sun birds and same mental state that i have woken to every morning but today i am thankful to know that i can SEE
that i have chosen to stand back from the picture and see what dots i have missed why you ask?
it takes sooo much energy to maintain a mask. when i say mask it is synonymous to my false self. not a false self in the sense to manipulate people or to be fake..it is the person i am fighting with daily to come alive. my false self is my numbing self. the self child that i made and am now more aware of and am at a new place in life. maybe it is mid life crisis. i don't know. i don't really care. i think crisis seems to have a negative connotation to it. when i think of crisis..and i've had many. i like to look at a crisis like this
a crisis could be a choice. an opportunity to stand back and look at the picture. a gift perhaps? but it does come with a cost -- the withdraw of doing away with what we numb ourselves with will happen but the exchange
this one happens to be at 45. it is like a crossroads of sorts. which dot are you going to connect to? stand back and look at the picture.
i have a deep restless calling in the pit of my gut. i sure didn't know i was an adventurer sort. i don't think anyone who really knows me would believe that. i have a HUGE fear of flying. but remember. most people...even those that know us best want to keep you stuck and will tell you you are none of the things God will tell you you are. that is their false self. their fears talking. sometimes those you know love you like to sabotage your happiness because they are unhappy and have refused to take action on the call..do you know what i mean? an awesome book that helped me so much was the dream giver. i recently re-read that book. i would highly encourage you to read it too:)
for becoming real and finding our true self will be worth the journey. so all this restlessness needs to be sorted through and so i journal..teeter back and forth between
my safe self..the need to feel secure and safe and all the ways i "try" to keep my life that way
but as i wrestle with the plate full of life..things spill off left and right.
things that there isn't enough time in a day to do things that disappoint and guilt ensues so you have to do something with the guilt the strong sense of being insignificant...does anything i do really matter. in the end..what difference did i make what if i spent my whole life as my false self and never really lived.. and when my daughter says .. mom -- in one year -- let's just go. my heart just beat quicker at her words.
go? like on an adventure. she is dead serious and in the deepest parts of me i want to.
so many of today's technologies numb us. nothing "looks" evil or bad so it is seemingly deceptive. but the truth is it is so numbing and keeps so many of us asleep. including me.
it is a fight to stop hiding it takes courage and it takes grace love and truth and that only comes in a person. jesus
the first thing i am doing to stop hiding is the acknowledgement that i have been a hider. owning it i certainly don't want to come so far and then go back and get all comfy with false me again. it is easy to do because i do it on a daily basis. it is as natural as breathing in and out.
the first thing i am going to physically do acknowledging the truth that i am a hider is taking sundays to spend one hour by myself with my journal & pen, bible and go someplace where i am not interrupted. absolutely no cell phone or any device that i am tempted to distract myself
and i am going to wait. and i am going to do it every week until. i want to take a day a week honestly and if i can i will i am at the age and my kids are grown and/or older teenagers so i can take a day and give it to myself. to be open to what dot i need to connect to next. to give myself the quiet without all the modern day distractions.
to be able to hear..down to the tips of your toes kind
i know that i know there is something God wants me to hear. i know it. i have known it but i have continued to carry on with my false little self.
everything else in my life can wait on that day. those within my four walls will love this. they will support me 100%. those that don't understand. really? who cares. we care way to much what others think of us and most of those people don't have your highest good at heart anyway. they could still be so asleep and so into their false selves they have no idea what you are even talking about. they could think your crazy. don't let them...lol!
i am ready for an adventure. i am ready to find some more of the real me and begin living her. time is fleeting. we don't know how much time we have. i don't want to wait anymore. this call i now.
so i am standing back and looking at this picture i've drawn so far... each sunday we surround ourselves with so many people..so much music and lunch and there is nothing at all wrong with that. there is a sense of safe in that isn't there? but to give the sabbath..the day of rest wholly to God. just me & Him....a date if you will. now that excites me.
time alone..paper and pen..the the one who loves me clean through right where i am
to find authentic life, one has to have the will to wake up and embark on the journey. in so doing one submits to the redemptive, though painful, road of transformation -pilgrimage of the soul
to be fully alive and awake...to be fully usable by God..fully loved that's why
(i haven't done this kind of thing in a loooong while but i linked up at casey leigh's..it is a place of heart story& i love that kinda stuff