the physical pain right now..weighed down by the business and people who really don't understand is threatening to take me down each day. i am whittled down to doing the bare necessities. for those of you who have recently been really sick with the body ache flu or throwing up bug and that feeling of "i'm gonna die" ...you remember and relate right?:) you know how everything just falls apart around you. for those of you who haven't been sick in a really long time..i'm glad for you but it is harder to relate until you have been visited by sickness isn't it?
hoping that writing it down here will lighten the load. i feel somewhat helpless in all of this. i am at the mercy of a disease i cannot control. not only that it is at the time that i am coming into myself. my life has been one of seeming to get there then something happens and it all falls apart. sitting there in the middle of a million pieces of broken glass not knowing which piece to pick up first so i bury my head in my hands and sob. i dare not shake my fist at God i have to be cautious not to walk backwards here. things feel all to familiar and i can hear the whispers even now...see you will never get out
this time the wave of sickness has knocked me down. it was only 5 months ago i was in the hospital and Christmas was approaching and i had lots of sign orders and was getting farther behind by the day. most customers were very nice but people really don't walk in your shoes. they don't know how sick i really am. after all i post and ig how sick can she be right? they don't take colons out of not sick people. they don't know that i have 30 orders for custom made signs. theirs is not the only order and those things weigh heavy on my heart making me feel even worse. we got caught up..i cycled through to the place of feeling ok..i could function at 65%..then slowly it comes back around
and this time i am done. i am sick of being sick and tired. but when a person is really sick it is craziness for me to try to work when it only makes me worse. i cry and in reality i think, "this isn't an emergency" so why are you acting like it is. you are sick! people can wait. and most are MORE than willing to wait..they are the precious ones. it maybe a few weeks at the most.to push myself to work when it makes me so much worse and the simple fact is i can't is CRAZY! i have to take care of myself. to wait several more weeks for a sign is nothing in the grand scheme of things. Ann Voscamp encourages us that LIFE isn't an emergency and she's right. i have some help coming to work with me very soon and it will all work out.
there is a reason i have insurance right now. i won't always have it and if want to be around to work a business i need to deal with this.
we have a family crisis right now. Jesus followers are not exempt from anything. we face the same things everyone else faces which is why today i am sitting underneath the shadow of His wings..taking refuge in His love.
nikki and i run this house. we have to come first. there has never been a sign not received. i will and have bent over backwards for my customers. i value them - their support keeps us afloat. there is only so much i can share here but YOU are supporting my exodus. can you tell i am venting here?
this is major surgery. life changing surgery and for the most part i am at peace with that. what i am more afraid of than a bag of poop is being alone in the middle of those broken pieces and not having my abba..my God who will ride through the heavens to help ME. He is taking me OUT to bring me into a new place of promise..MY place of promise..and nothing is to difficult for GOD. i have found IT and i am not letting go. I am saying NO to this surgery as a work to discourage and destroy me and my family. NO - not THIS time!
i can hear the air still and the soft breeze begin to blow softly brushing my hair back. the sobbing slows and i find courage and take her hand. she smiles wide and squeezes my hand as if to say "your in the arena girl...don't forget" . she sits with me while an inaudible conversation takes place that goes something like this.
i will be as vulnerable as you would have me to abba. i will share what you would have me share and do what you would have me do--i hold my hands out and up..open and let it all go. after all it really isn't mine to begin with. i don't have to worry about which piece to pick up first..just get up and do the next thing. the piece will come as YOU choose to BELIEVE with open hands..held out to the true Giver
i CHOOSE to BELIEVE YOU and i refuse to succumb to those whispers of "see " in this place of familiar. in my story He always finds me
He found him in a desert land, and in the howling waste of a wilderness; He encircled him, He cared for him, he guarded him as the pupil of His eye. --Deuteronomy 32:10
:: the shop
we are going to combine MOXIE and the HOUSE signs into one store. it will be up and running soon. we will have a few things left in Etsy but all the new signs/shirts from here on out will be in our new store. yay!!
nikki is trying to take care of me and finish up loose ends at work before her last day as soon as she does that she will hit MOXIE full force
when dreams are being written you can bet your bottom dollar there will be war. dreams don't happen without ... i am choosing to hang onto this mindset and tell the other one to take a hike jack! we may have some bumps in the road but we are WHY NOT girls!!
and for my IG friends the banana ice cream recipe:) you can find me at houseofbelonging
banana "ice cream" with sweet & salty roasted almonds
this recipe has all the rich, creamy texture of ice cream with none of the dairy or sugar. the crunchy topping is a snap to put together and so, so good
makes about 1 pint
4 ripe bananas, peeled and sliced into thin rounds
1/4 c finely chopped roasted almonds
2 teaspoons plus 2 tablespoons good-quality maple syrup, divided
a pinch of coarse sea salt
1/2 c unsweetened almond milk
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
freeze the banana slices in a single layer on a tray or plate lined with parchment or wax paper. once the slices are frozen use them immediately or keep them frozen in a zip-top plastic bag or airtight container for up to a month.
meanwhile, in a small bowl, combine the almonds with 2 teaspoons of the maple syrup and the pinch of salt and set the mix aside.
combine the frozen banana slices, the almond milk, the remaining 2 TB of maple syrup, and the vanilla in a food processor and pulse until the mixture is the texture of soft serve ice cream, scraping down the sides as necessary. don't worry if the mixture is not totally smooth at first--once the bananas start to break down and defrost in the food processor, they'll give in and the "ice cream" will take shape quickly
spoon the banana ice cream into bowls immediately and sprinkle each serving with a bit of the almond mixture.
taken from Its All Good Cookbook by Gwyneth Paltrow
update - they have moved up my surgery to THIS tuesday april 23. i am soooo thankful..i don't think i can hang on that long. i go today to meet with the surgeon one last time. i have a LIST of questions. i know it is like a 6 hour surgery. i have never had major surgery before. i am a little ok a lot scared. monday i go meet the stoma nurse for placement of the stoma. i have to bring clothes i normally wear to see how the bag will work with my clothes. i have to be there at 10 to check in and then surgery is at noon. we will keep you posted on everything here on the blog and on IG.
love you all....xo