sort, sift & say farewell

if my heart were a basement it would resemble this one quite well.  44 years of taped, ripped and repackaged boxes piled on top of one another.teetering in places where at one time they were moved and opened..taken out and setup only to be bitterly re-boxed..each time with fresh tape each time fooling myself into thinking this was it..this time was the last move and change was happening years passed and nothing every really changed.  the houses got bigger and newer but we grew angrier and more bitter. as if a change of scenery and a fresh basement caused a heart to change. each move they were a little older...a little wiser

watching mommy talk herself into believing the lie and shaming them for not buying into it with me. shame on me...i have lots of boxes of shame down in this basement

sarah ban breathnach believes with soulful certainty that there is a direct correlation between the amount of discontent, discomfort, and pain we are experiencing
in our lives right now and the amount of unwanted but not discarded possessions-or emotional attachments-we're holding onto and storing.

you see..for me a switch has been flipped.  i no longer can talk myself into another "this time" when there are two people and one "sees" and the other doesn't you have a crossroads. someone has to make a change for change to begin and that someone has been me. but it begins on the inside and that can take awhile for evidence to be seen on the outside. there is much unseen work under the soil that has to happen.

i believe this is where much of the "pressure" is that i put on myself. i want to be self-sufficient....building our business.  we work hard at it because i see it as my only way out. now God may have another plan but for now...this is how i see it.

one big roadblock that is keeping me stuck is all of this basement baggage.

i have to smile big thinking of last weekend when the kids got to ceremoniously throw certain "things" away it was symbolic for them.  cathartic if you will.  i told them it was the last time they would ever have to move his stuff

and i meant it.

what am i learning from this re-booting so far? isn't a sprint for sure.  it is a slow and steady cross country race. many boxes i just tossed.  i didn't care what was in them some things we are selling and putting toward new furniture for our living room some boxes were opened and happy memories came out and made us all smile.  those were good. some boxes were meant to be sorted through...and we did some boxes ... the "shrine" of years of lies and bitterness are sitting in the side yard..uncertain of what to do with them yet. they are meant for the storage shed outside.  they are to heavy for me.  honestly though i want to throw them away as well.

it just isn't time yet but they aren't in my heart basement anymore.  and that is good there are somethings still boxed down there that haven't been touched. symbolic really since some things are meant to be dealt with just yet.

over all my lungs can expand so much more just tackling that. there is still much sorting, sifting and saying farewell to do but we've begun.  we've marked the X and begun excavating

you see...i want to LIVE.  I want to heal.  I want to truly be able to forgive and move on. i want that for my kids as well.  kids take that stuff into adulthood you know. funny thing is i have tried moving on and letting go...I thought i was by doing certain things.

but i am beginning to realize that before i can really move on and let go i have a lot of  unwanted but not discarded possessions and emotional attachments that i am holding onto and storing.

I know God wants me to look into these boxes and deal with them once and for all. i don't want to die and have a basement of boxes for family to go through you know...i am speaking spiritually here

i want to have a clean and organized heart that you can peruse around and find beauty there.

i want to be free this year..i want to look back on this year and say well done.  it has taken moxie girl but you did it! and even though most of your kids are grown you can still teach them by letting go and moving on.

it is never to late

now go get a box and open it....and remember YOU are LOVED immensely

oh...i am also following 2 genuine women who are listening to their hearts as well..each of us has a different story and we can learn so much from one another.  Click here for Shaunna and here for Ashley:)