This is hard long post and I've rewritten it to many times. I'm left with no choice but to bribing you to please read it with crazy pictures of myself taken by Grace. NOT NIKKI:)
marriage is hard under normal circumstances with two relatively healthy people. When two hearts are badly broken are stictched together it really is a tornado meeting a volcano. When its good..it is good. When its bad..its awful. Choices have ripped away at the seam of our marriage and it is frayed, torn and seemingly unmendable. We separated a little over a month ago now has an added twist..he has taken a job many states away. He leaves tomorrow.
Two halves of a whole that God has joined together will stand on their own for the first time in 20 years. That is a long time to be joined together. It would take a divine microscope to really see behind the heart of this family. Years ago at our church we were called " the fam " . There will be a book behind this family. Surface doesn't show what is buried underneath. It is white washed but underneath are dead man's bones. It is ugly and has relentlessly stripped our family's heart. soul. and life. After 3 times going back into an abusive cycle I have chosen to stop playing.
So what if I sobbed on the way to Hobby Lobby today
I cried in the car listening to a song or I go to bed at night and tell God I will never stop praying for his heart to know Him. For his heart to turn from darkness to light. For his hard heart to be replaced with one made of flesh that can feel the pain and repent and begin to take responsibility. I will always love him. I don't love what he's chosen. I still hold onto to hope that he will choose life. choose God. choose to begin a fresh with me and the kids. There is no marriage that can't be saved if TWO people can work together. BUT
sometimes it takes intervention, lots of counseling, time apart for the safety of the family etc. I still believe God heals. I also know that life doesn't always have happy endings. My marriage may not ever be whole like I would love. But I can. This is my focus now. Me and the kids. I have alot of healing to do myself. Would you please pray for us? Take a minute and pray for healing of our hearts and for his salvation. I know God can encircle me with a support system only designed in heaven. We will be ok. One of my biggest fears today is that he would die and not know God. It is making it even more real with the distance.
I am choosing to move on ( not with another man...lol - just clarifying that ) Today- with such limited knowledge I think that him being so far away ( even though it leaves me alone I've been taken care of by a man since I was 16 ) will be a good thing. Life is forcing me to choose to grow up or to give up.
For the first time. In all of my life. I will be on my own. My heart teeters on a choking sadness that threatens to drown me at times to relief to finally be able to put the focus back on myself and the kids and begin the process of finding my authentic voice.
Why blog Tiff? I ask myself this question after reading Pretty in Posies goodbye yesterday. I am - for all intents and purposes - a single mom with no job. A chronic illness. Trying to take care of myself from living in burnout for the last 10 years. I have no credit left to my name. I rent a tiny " dainty " she likes to be called:) This is my reality..not a place for being a victim or feeling sorry for myself. None of that!
My oldest daughter and I are living here with her two younger siblings the big guy who is 17 and little bit who is 12. So what is going to set me apart from anyone else? I have no idea!
But I do have a story. I believe a very relevant story.
I can't offer a beautiful home like BHG or the ideal family but I am going to share how we will make this dainty house our home and how this family will fight for our lives.
I won't be going on vacations to exotic places and shopping at all the cool boutiques but what I will offer is real. It is raw. I know God has put me in this place at just this time to help me get out of this pit I've lived in my whole life and help me rebuild my heart, my life, and my home..to begin a whole new story. This time the main character will grow up. Will not live life in fear. She will still have fears but they will not keep her stuck. She will spread her brave wings and fly into the future with many bumps and bruises along the way. But she will fly. She will soar high above where the eagles soar. And the wind underneath her wings will be the last breath that Jesus breathed so she could live. and live she will. one day at a time. thankful for each new day as the sunrise bursts forth and trusting each circumstance that comes into her day. looking at it as a lesson that He wants me to learn.
I have no idea 3 months from now what I will be doing. All I know is I am loving to create. It makes me excited to live. He left me all of the power tools to build my signs. I recently have been teaching myself how to sew. I will teach myself how to build.
You see - I've waited at least 10 years for God to come a rescue me. And you know what? He was waiting on me to be ready to receive help. Ready to believe that I can be helped. That there is a way but I will have to forge my way through. He is not going to make it all level and easy. I wouldn't learn that way. Trust me!
I am not any of these beautiful authentic women ...
Paige, Tara, Linsey, Jen, Emily, Dana, Becky or the many many other blogs that give me inspiration, courage , somedays sadly to say I can take another step because of one of them sharing their hearts.
I am me.
I have a story. A story I'm hoping will help you in some small way. We may not be in the same place in life..at all but the emotions can still "feel" the same right?:)
It is going to be one crazy couple of chapters while I find my bearings but I started this blog about a year ago this month I think and I am just now starting to understand what direction God is wanting me to go in.
So buckle up buttercups and get ready for some crazy excruciately hard fun times. This little piece of my world is going to be made up like a recipe. It goes a little something like this.
Lots of faith and trusting in Jesus
lots of heart & soul for good measure
sprinkled here and there will be
::budgeting:: re-prioritizing:: cooking & menu planning ( not the McDonald's menu but Trader Joe's:: daily & monthly goal planning :: refurbishing & repurposing :: sewing projects :: grand babies..lots of them;) my family in all its crazy mess :: taking you to some places you have never been before. Mix it all up and you have The House of Belonging...whew!
I am going to take this life and live on the breath of Jesus that gave His last breath so I could live within the boundaries of life as it is now. I don't want to waste a single minute more. So let's get started shall we?
I sure hope you will come along with me. It will be bumpy and we may get a little battered along the way but an epic story always has to have what in it?
Yep..you guessed it - sacrifice!
Here is to the next year!
if you made it this far...thoughts anyone...ha ha!
14. breaking new ground
15. releasing worries each day and trusting
16. believing that I'm a grown up