Its back. The pain that I wish there was something that would kill it permanently but there isn't. I'm less able to cover it up in fact I don't even want to. This anger boils just under the surface of my skin all over I feel it. It renders me incompetent to do even the little things in a day. I can just sit and stare and not really care even though I care. who would understand this madness? only someone who has walked here before. how can one co-mingle with the enemy? the one that steals life? and then turns it all around where you are carrying the blame?
I want it gone I say I'm tired and I don't know how I will handle the next time? It has etched itself deep and the consequences do not go unnoticed and will i ever get it right or see the light at the end. for a bit I can pretend things are going to work out..bits of life dance through and draw me away into hope or living vicariously through the thoughts of a friend. trying to believe. but i look into the eyes and i hear the words that sear my soul and the screams that i know so well inside just grow quiet. there really is no use. so i sit back for days a week maybe and ride the pain out until i can get my head around the next thing. i don't like this existence. i often pray for a miracle. i don't even know what that miracle would look like.
One more day and it is summer. 30 more days we have here. i try to make it as normal as I can for them..they have a broken mama and I've always known that. Wish i wasn't but I am. And I know He fixes broken things. I know he needs me to let go. I know he wants to give me freedom. Maybe I won't let him. Maybe I don't trust enough. I don't know. I do know no matter what my feelings are today or even tomorrow. He lives and is right here in the middle of my pain. He will never leave me and He loves me just like I am. Wednesday I know this.