I vacillate between wanting to tell the whole story or breaking it down in the present with bite size pieces. There is 11 years of history that he re-writes that by me choosing to continue has caused a situation much like this..."left untreated it leads to multiple relationship breakdowns, nervous breakdown, career breakdowns and can see it’s victim (the narcissist) end up in jail or on the street and their family disjointed and in tatters."
photo credit here
so I write the today. in a bite size portion.
I woke to the thought of joy that my:) Paula reminds me of. My feet the floor with thoughts going back and forth about where we will live and if I should ask...
the house sits quiet and I run water and talk and the tears fall hard. And I thank Him for this time of quiet and He has this word. "God is preparing His heroes....let the Holy Spirit prepare you". I'm reminded. Again. that the purpose is really about me. my heart. I'm the one open to change. looking at my own folly and how I've reacted to my fool and if I want wholeness and to live life contented alone...remaining married even while separated. until. then I must choose to allow Him access to my heart. I want to choose to be a fully functioning, healthy godly woman.
forgiveness. To release the right to punish. I do not have that right but I can let go. trusting that God will do the right things. I am praying for some new strategies to old battles..picking up this book today that I purchased back in 2001. 10 years ago! I read it but didn't apply much to my life. Now is the time. This is a book that is biblically sound for dealing with our situation.
praying for wisdom in following through with new strategies.
overcome evil with good
speak the truth...even if only for myself
pray for direction coming from God
He is the God of miracles and He can be trusted
and so I allow Him inside and feels as if He is reaching down deep into my belly and shaking His hand inside but it is through His words...it does press down through skin, vessels and bone and marrow down to where the pulse throbs from the wound being picked at constantly and it festers and He presses it out with the oil of forgiveness...His forgiveness. He wraps it in love. I'm raw honest with Him. Knowing He sees me and it is sweet pain released and it empties out into His hands and I can feel it ebb from my body. and I did say even though the fig tree doesn't blossom... yet I will praise Him...He prepares my feet to stand
He is still raising up heroes...
**I will only share my journey on this blog and never in a way to put down my husband. We have been going through this for around 12 years. We have had counseling..much. Sometimes - as hard as we hope, pray and try to change them a marriage isn't restored. Sometimes - in real life - we ( I ) have to choose the path of life and wholeness for my well being and that of my children. I always have and always will pray for true repentance that leads to salvation. I will never speak much about him but I am chronicling my exodus from co-dependence to a whole hearted daughter of God. My prayer is that someday I can turn around and with compassion and real life tools help others women in this hard place. I have to choose to believe there really is a way out of a situation where there really seems to be no way. I thank you for your prayers and encouragement. I am in a marathon and not a sprint that is for sure. It is going to get harder in the near future. I know. I am encouraged by your support of words and prayer and that God is able. So I move forward. Thank you for listening to my yuck...I love you all.