hey you..how was your weekend? was it long and leisurely or filled with errands and late night looking at your electronic device?
ha! mine was more of the second if i’m honest…oh cringe! View full post »
i recently came to a fork on my life-map
i am so far out here it feels agonizingly scary..i wonder am i making a mistake..did i hear wrong…what if i fail..or make a mistake? or go back to the crazy?
but you know what?
but if i’m honest i want risk..i want to risk it all on God to do what only He can! maybe i don’t do that enough..or ever
that all of this devastation is the VERY THING God is using to heal me! as i map out this trek across my life i am wondering if our dreams are what save us?
that maybe all the heartbreak and all hard places and upside downs are all a part of what crushes us to death only to
the crucible of the wilderness might be part of the key to our wholeness..our healing
the wilderness crucible is pressing out the very essence of my God given story that will be glory giving and life-saving...into wholeness
ALL the hard places of our life would be the birthplace..the incubator of our dreams…wow!!
this gives me hope to move forward and i pray it does you too!
maybe i can have both..maybe i don’t have to choose
i know it has to begin with me..always us first..not them
are you willing to risk it all…to be all in?
it is going to be one of the hardest things you’ve faced yet
maybe it is LOVE that pursues us that mends and heals…
you fight fire with fire
this is a journal entry from this week…more from where i am right now in my story..image from my uber talented friend lissa...xo
similarly, we must use directed effort to control misdirected effort
when i burn off the clutter of busyness and leave time to think and study, you may get less done
the fringe benefit to burning off the brush is a much clearer view of the terrain ahead
no one can get beyond their sight lines. and when cluttered with obstructions, our vision
again…i question..and i wrote
“where do i need to clear a path so that i have room to maneuver toward my ultimate destination?
and then i asked God to show me what needs to be burned off first
later on in my “busy” day ha! while perusing pinterest… ( unnecessary busyness i’m sure;) i ran across this post that the nester
God showed me a breadcrumb!!!
BINGO! answer number uno!! practice reminder !! it begins with head knowledge but i must put it into practice in my everyday life to make change
prACTice doesn’t make perfect…prACTice makes change right? right:)i am by NO MEANS an expert and i feel so busy..even in my head..i LONG for the days when my first three
were little. when being a momma was simpler. no social media. no blogs. no smart phones.
so much more free time. what did we do to ourselves? ugh…anyway
so i am taking this “burning off the clutter” seriously. even in our business
honestly? this is so super applicable to anyone..in any stage of life in whatever circumstances you in..don’t you think?
that is enough for one day. i will share what i’m learning and practicing as i go so hang in there with me:) love you!!
my daily practice
be on the lookout for unnecessary clutter and how to subdue the ground i live on
with love from,
this girl is on fire…..(wink)
we need an antagonist if we want to be a part of writing an epic story!
here is the definition of antagonist is you need it:)
a person who actively opposes or is hostile to someone or something; an adversary.
“he turned to confront his antagonist”
1. One who opposes and contends against another; an adversary.
2. The principal character in opposition to the protagonist or hero of a narrative or drama.
you ask me how God began speaking into my dream…
for me: it was kinda like this -
the pull of that “something more” that i wanted my whole life..you know the one you have had since you can remember? that one
would come knocking and i would answer and it and i would talk for hours about what were going to do and then another knock would
always come..call it freddy kruger is that helps but it always won
i would bury the something more..the gift God gave me and expose the fear..the freddy kruger fear as i call it
nothing much was happening according to my years of journals .. or so it seemed to me
no real growth…as i saw it at the time ( looking back NOW…so NOT true )
i knew a lot in my head though and it took some hard knocks for me to begin to connect that the head knowledge had to connect to the heart to
i had to practice exposing the gifts and burying the fears in the arena called “real life”.
i had a habit of asking questions to the questions..
is this something i am supposed to do was one of my favorites! ha!
funny thing is deep down i always knew the answer but time after time
these questions would send me retreating into old patterns not because they are easy…but because they were safe and predictable
while very destructive i knew them like the back of my hand.
same old same old…
i shut down and the walls come up and there i knees to chest sit watching and waiting
the first “real” memory i have of God speaking into my dreams began something like this…
He would ask me to step out from behind those walls of protection
and be brave. to “feel” .. key word.. feel the fear and do it anyway
at that time brave and courageous were not fad words running rampant in blogland or in self help books…at least not the ones i was reading
but funny things is
these words didn’t escape me in the bible though. they have run rampant there for 2000+ years
God knows we are made of molecules of dust and with one hot breath we could be blown to smithereens
sitting at that table..on that day..i did feel the fear and in my own way took a few small baby steps and did it anyway
only to be turned down..not once but twice!
defeat and depression soon had their arms around me consoling me. hopelessness was not far behind
don’t you just HATE that tape? it is SO NOT TRUE!! it is a big FAT LIE!!
to feel fear only to be healed?
i am asking if my antagonist is kinda like paul’s thorn? is this what is driving me to choose?
cause if i have been praying for years for healing..and i have…to be made whole..to really LIVE..to be free
then how else could that happen?
think about it! without an antagonist i might be living out of my church mind..stuck in legalism and works and good-enoughs
and judgments–you know the laundry list
even as i type this thanksgiving is dawning deep in my spirit..thank you jesus
you answered my prayer from the last few days!
just from writing this out
i know i am to be thankful..i WANT to be faithful but sometimes i get focused on the antagonist only and i get off the path
all the hard-places
sunday is usually grilling day around here and yesterday was no different only this day grace wanted to watch harry potter
i reluctantly agreed and i am glad i did
at the end when voldemort–harry’s greatest antagonist–was finally dead…harry had FINALLY won
i saw those of us with lives riddled with struggle…the underdogs…uniting…why?
because in some way we too…are all living an the epic harry potter story and we want to win in the end too!!
i do!! don’t you?
even harry…when caught between life and death asked the professor who he trusted
professor what do i do???
and the professor disappeared with no response
you see…harry had a choice
and so do we…God always gives choice
and what did harry choose?
harry chose to rise …
oh friend…hang in there
hang with me would you?
keep our eyes only on you abba
not on anyone else’s journey..only ours
and maybe you can give us new eyes to see our antagonists as a gift
and i pray we be the hearts you are searching for
behind all your stories is always your mother’s story, because hers is where yours begins…mitch albom
i’ve taken hammer and nails to pin up the rafters that were built from LIES! fix the leaky faucets and put new panes of glass in its broken windows so no one could see what was really going on.
i now know there is a word for this and it is called “crazy making” they make you believe it is you responsible for all of their sickness..you blame you and so do they hence the adjective “crazy making”
one day or maybe it was years of “days” i drew back the curtains of my heart house and i let Your Light shine into my heart for the very first time.
setting things free is history making..almost a sacred work
because at some moment i knew it was him or me
we had already ripped the fabric of our family to pieces..and there is no way..humanly speaking to EVER heal such destruction of souls these kinda things leave scars deep and long and for the first time i wanted to do the hard thing.
the choice that was the scariest thing i have ever done…to choose my own freedom
i had to choose to let go of control of what i thought it was going to look like..what my children thought it was going to look like..heck i still don’t know what it is going to look like...it is being rebuilt each and everyday
i just knew i didn’t want to grow old with the idea of “hoping it will change”. i don’t want to die in that hope. i gave 12+years to this dream..no more
it is eery…i get sad when i think about my mom. we sit over steaming mugs of coffee long cold and half eaten plates of carbs calling it a cheap therapy session but the truth of it doesn’t escape me. action and owning our own addictions are the only way out. the only road to freedom.
i believe that God is giving me the opportunity to run this next part of the our family history .. i have chosen to take the baton. the weight pushes me down telling me to quit. it is in these moments that i begin asking what in the world AM I DOING!! that God gently reminds me of esther..of nehemiah..of jeremiah..of paul His words are my energy — they are my life blood. my oxygen
i am not running for myself only…i am running for all the women in my family..for my daughters
it is the history making of these words that propel me forward. i most likely will not live to see all of this play out but God lets me hear the freedom bell ringing…i know my daughters will have freedom
freedom becomes the sound of my shoe hitting the pavement creating a hypnotizing narcotic to numb the pain for a bit so i am able to get a little farther down the road.
daily i stand .. hand on hips.. breathing hard and fast..bending over trying to catch my breath. sweat covering my whole body that is bloody and bruised..often in places that human eye cannot see. the heart bruises..the abrasions from lying sandpaper that just.won’t.STOP!
the pain from the unseen places throb and gnaw at me the most the enemy of our soul…others and myself trip me up on somedays..throwing me headlong into a cycle of doubt and despair–trying to lure me back into the crazy
but not today. not today
i want to leave you with these words..i am not sure who wrote them but they strengthen me and i pray they strengthen you
“nothing good comes easily you have to lose things you thought you loved, give up things you thought you needed. you have to get over yourself, beyond your past, out from under the weight of your future. the good stuff never comes when things are easy. it comes when things are all heavily weighted down like moving trucks–
my dear friend lissa let me use this image from her ig…i fell in love with it. i thought it was perfect for the wilderness memoirs