hello everyone! well jeanne , i don’t have my tree up either and if i am truthful i am fighting this very thinking with my girl..
who is 14! she wants to put up the tree and decorate her room. there is absolutely nothing wrongwith that in and of itself is there?
but hold on…
our subject is living in the NEXT vs. living in the NOW right? living in the next is the very mindset that the media wants us to have and when they suck our children in they have us right? if i am even more truthful…they are watching us..their parents aren’t they? uh oh..this stings a little
so instead of succumbing here is what i have been practicing
remember my mantra?
prACTice doesn’t make perfect…prACTice makes change
here is a little how it goes…
i say, ” darling, let’s live in today. it isn’t even thanksgiving yet. christmas will come and has a joy all of itself
i want to extract all the sacred moments from today and thanksgiving.
but mom…there may even be a wee bit of eye rolling and pouting involved. but i am sticking to my guns. period
i am sure i act like that when i don’t get to indulge myself.
i honestly believe…the older i get…that
thanksgiving is the real deal. gratitude IS grace and that is what carries me each and everyday.
this has been one of the hardest years in my memory and gratitude and grace oh and a big ol’ heaping spoonful of trust have gotten me through each day.
so miss jeanne oliver, i loved your post..your heart..and YOU! praying you have eyes to see the sacred within each moment..it is most always in the small things…winkxo
and here are a few of my favorite pins the last few days…i pray… you too..are practicing change by sharing & showing those watching you to be present. little eyes are watching.
this is the anecdote to the HOW? it is in the doing. it is a verb. it requires our energy.
i am doing brene brown’s ecourse if for nothing else than for my own research. the student in me can’t help but to take all i learn back to the bible to see what i find.
i will share all i learn here on the blog….ha! in a couple of weeks i will have more time on my hands than i am used to
are any of you taking brene’s ecourse?
i am chomping at the bit to move into this next phase of my life…to be past the next two surgeries…to write more...read more…research more…to open the new business and put all of the business
to rest. i am on overload with two weeks ticking in my ear as i check off a long to do list before i am down for a few weeks
but instead of running away and delving into numbing myself
i am making a daily practice of split second choices..ok well i still numb myself like with sugar..and technology and procrastinating and well…it is a process right?
you all must know i am not perfect in anyway right? ok. just so we are clear. i am a beautiful mess just like you!!
choosing to see the pain/problem/interruption as gifts–opportunities even
to do thankfulness
to do love
living within the day
finding routine again
i am grateful that we have a choice.
we spent all night at the hospital waiting on miss finlee beth. she announced herself at 12:38 am and was perfect in every way.
we finally got to see her around 4am…arriving back home at 5:15 am where we all collapsed into bed. it was a tiring but beautiful weekend
i believe this post is what this post is all about. it is about letting go of my way & grabbing hold of His. simple surrendering but it isn’t really simple.
i have been playing with taking a break from the sign shop for months now but Resistance = Fear causes me to pick it back up.
i am worn out from listening to the voice that always tells me i can’t. i am crazy. you can’t write. you can’t teach. that is pipe dream. that is so prideful.
what will you do for money. you can’t….it sits on my shoulder and nags and nags and little by little…kills me. stops the call from ever happening
and i will die without truly living my calling if i don’t shut it down. now. for such a TIME as THIS!
the more important a call or action is to our soul’s evolution, the more Resistance we will feel toward pursuing it –steven pressfield – the art of war
you see i am torn between signs and writing my heart. i don’t have time for both
and the good thing is winning over the better thing.
i LOVE the inspiring and motivating part of sign making. LOVE the words but i do not love all the labor & time it takes from me and my family and most importantly from God and the calling he has planted in me.
the work has taken over our lives and leaves no room to breathe
i am humbled that so many are blessed by what we do…i am! it is God’s work surely!
but sometimes we have to lay down something that looks so goodfor something better you see i have a heart pull that i have had since a child. i know that it is time to put action to it. time is ticking. i am choosing to do it afraid. daring to live greatly in the arena
we do have something unfolding in God’s hands right now and since my next surgery is scheduled for october 29
we will be closing the shop on monday october 8 until january.
a FULL life in the emptiest of places. pursuing a FULL life. now that sounds right to me. for me.
my life will begin to glow in the darkness, my shadowed life will be bathed in sunlight
i will always show you where to go..I will give you a full life in the emptiest of places
because i have read halfway through my own book and i am worn weary.
from deep cavernous places guttural howls break forth. incoherent because there are no words.
it has lived in my bones. my marrow. my breath. suffocating me in a slow death until i DO SOMETHING with it! this calling
my calling…ok there. i said it
wanna come with? oh i do hope so for i think it will be a grand adventure
because i think we will have awesome news to share jeruselum?…wink:)
have you read it? you need to because we are going deep!
i will leave you today with words from mary oliver
tell me what is it you plan to do with your ONE wild and precious life
i only have one life to live do i really want to live it hurrying after things that won’t matter in the end?
are YOU willing to die having NOT lived..or are YOU willing to die LIVING? decide!
or do i want to live full faced before a God
trusting Him at His word
to see the beauty that only He can bring forth from ashes of hopelessness?
Wake up, LORD, Robe yourself with strength! Rouse yourself as in the days of old when you slew Egypt, the dragon of the Nile. Are YOU not the SAME today, the one who dried up the sea, making a path of escape when you saved you people.. –Isaiah 51:9-10
i am pregnant with words
so much so that i have to pace myself
so i am going back to this post for a bit and taking it apart to share some of the things i doing to change my behavior of what is working and what is not
i asked here how to get off this merry go round called life..the frenzied frantic pace we live here in america and all the while a smile
plastered on our face and lips that quickly say i’m good how are you?
but on the inside i am caving..praying someone would see me and save me..
how do i slow down? what does that look like?
well i by no means am an expert but i can share what it is looking like for me
i am sure i will edit as i go but for now this is what i am doing
for me it began by asking for help…literally. i needed an intervention
sometimes your kids can’t give you what you need. they aren’t supposed to. even when they are grown children
i was drowning in life. it came to a screeching halt..an avalanche of sorts with big and little pieces being shaken loose and they were picking up force
on their way down
i saw it..felt it..knew it
and i had a choice i could let them all fall or
keep the plates spinning in the air by sucking it up and letting the bitterness fueled by hurt keep burning hot and hard
glory be to God i began the process of letting some of them fall
and that someone & Someone showed up in a very real tangible way
i think this is just simple and we make it so HARD
it is called SURRENDER
it is hard because it HURTS. it hurts because God is asking for those things that are most precious to us
i call it my abraham moment…God wanted my ISAAC…and ONLY HE knows when we are really surrendered
and the weight..oh the weight girls..the bitterness and anger and the want to control was gone in almost that moment
years of me asking…abba how do i forgive in this? how? i wrestled with God for years with this question
and because we are given a choice and He never forces but so gently loves us all the way and never leaves our side
He lets us wrestle…and WAITS until that divine moment in eternal time when we have had enough
and that was our moment i heard Him speak so clearly on that porch that morning i pray i never forget
so it begins with a choice cradeled in divine timing
i had to have someone from the outside that could see. that knew me almost better than i know myself.
that knew all my ugly
sometimes we can’t see the forest from the trees
we need someone who can see inside our mess where we can no longer see
i was given a daily plan
my work space was cleaned up and organized. i wasn’t overwhelmed when i walked downstairs to work.
slowly things have a home. things were built to help me work smarter. not harder.
i am off of the floor now when i built frames for signs. it is WONDERFUL. it is just a baby step but one i can firmly stand on while i wait for the next
i have a candle down there now…glass in the back door so it is no longer dark and more lighting was installed
simple things like that can make all the difference
then my goal is 5 a day. 5 to stay alive...funny but it works for me right now.
5 signs a day and box and move them out.
i was all clogged and overwhelmed…
this give me a goal for each day
a manageable GOAL. so important for a LIST MAKER…i feel like i am accomplishing something every.single.day
someday’s…like yesterday. i had a hair appointment that takes several hours so i had to give myself grace knowing
i couldn’t do 5 signs yesterday but i could do 5 things…and that is OK
you see for someone who has a HURRY addiction…thoughts bombard your mind all.day.long
you can’t stay FOCUSED on any one thing and it drives you crazy because your list of to do’s grow so big
you feel sunk before you ever embark. it can be debilitating
FOR NOW – lots of things don’t get done within each day and that is ok too
right now getting our signs done and out the door are second my health and healing are first…ick… is that a “christian” thing to do..is that selfish? boy have i fought that lie
but yes…if i’m healthy and willing then my family will be too. it just works that way
i learned something from watching the author to the book untethered soul...kinda new “agey” but i saw a practical way…a tool if you will
to help me deal with my mind. after all that is where the battle is the bible tells me.
when things come into my mind…a disturbance if you will…something is said that triggers me..triggers the thorns or wounds in my spiritual flesh..whatever those may be
i stop and ask the question is this worth me being disturbed???
most of the time it isn’t
so i lean back into abba’s arms and just let it go by-in my minds eye i picture it just the way i said it.
i am practicing DOING this. everyday. so that it creates a new way of being. of behaving. and it is working
and if it is something that i need to address…i can then do so from a calm place AND
it also gives me clues as to where i may need some healing. why is this or that upsetting me so much..that sort of thing
i am SEEING so much FREEDOM in forgivenessin the amount of ENERGY i have given to things that are not glorifying to Godand hurtful to me
this is the ONLY LIFE we are gifted. how i am spending my time is so valuable to me now
i don’t want to spend it trying to sale signs and just building more and more
that can become a snare…for me
i want to teach what God is teaching me
one step at a time
signs are wonderful. i love them. i am humbled and blessed by the business God has grown for us. period!
however–there are a bazillion sign makers out there…and some good ones. my friendtara is one of them! she is a true friend…a soul sister who prays over me and i want to lift her up. i no longer want to be bound by anything that would
hinder me or anyone from pursuing their calling…you know what i mean? it can wear a sister out…:)
i want to become an encourager THAT is what the body of CHRIST is. it isn’t a building for pete’s sake it is a living breathing organism of stories!! we are called to love each other LOVE..put aside our judgement..our anger..our wanting to fix..our jealousy..our WANTS..our being RIGHT.. it gets me excited..it gives meaning to my pain..to my life
we are called to surrender
we are called to freedom
we are called to come along side and comfort with the comfort we are comforted with
it began with my ISAAC
what i call a wide open surrender.
take it abba
speak it out loud
give it a voice whatever ugly you have been hiding speak it God is a GIVER of grace for TRUTH there is healing in the light of His LOVE by His stripes we are healed
intentionally living much slower within each day for sure literally taking thoughts in my head captive…all day long
taking the time to pay attention to them and doing something with them
letting the spirit help me control them. DOING something with them
and STOP letting my thoughts control me
glory to God..and amen
:::: disclaimer ::::
and here i smile big but i just have to say this. for my sweet friends
none of you will EVER know how much your words .. your comments mean to me
often i read them and weep
i am a heart sleeve wearer
i don’t suck up and play games which translates – i am pretty real on here
all my crazy out there for all to read butthat is what i feel God calling me to do
even more now. slowly it is coming so i do apologize for not being clear and if you don’t understand
somethings i just can’t say on here yet. it isn’t time and i have to think of my children
God will let me know when and if it is time so some things may not make total sense
they will someday:)
and i am just learning to spread my writing wings. so i am giving myself grace to just share each time
what God would have me to.
in my way and by that i meannot comparing myself to the writers i soooo admire and wish i were like
the truth is i am not like them
i have my own story like they have theirs and i have to honor mine like i honor theirs
i am willing to learn and grow but for now…first and foremost all that is going to come out on here is me just sorting and sifting through
what God is showing me
i will share it piece by piece and then go back and dissect it even more…hopefully more clearly…ha!
anyway…i beat myself up for not having time to comment back to all of you every.single.time
someday i hope to but please KNOW that i value and read each one.
i am in your debt my warrior women sister friends..truly
in His grip of grace and not letting go
Prayer of FAITH is based in relationship with God rather than in what other people say about God. In this posture we believe that God can do for US what we CANNOT DO for ourselves. For months, this was the only prayer I could pray–”God do for me what I cannot do for myself”. And then all I could do was wait- and the LONGING within me carved deeper and DEEPER into my soul-making space for the WORK Of God… -pilgrimage of a soul – phileena heuertz
These words spoke so deeply to me. #pilgrimageofasoul #myheart#godanswersprayers #grateful #believingGod
opiate addiction & dependence is an american epidemic. i am on day 14 going cold turkey and glory be to God i have such peace
and clarity but i will talk more about this soon….
this is just the tip of the iceberg and i am not minimizing anyone else involved or maximizing myself like i have done in the past
i am just letting God do the healing work He wants to do inside me so i can be free to love and receive love.
i threw my hands in the air and said show me something
He said if you DARE–come a little closer… it isn’t something you take .. it is GIVEN it is not taught–it is CAUGHT
round and round and a round we go. that has been a prominent theme throughout my life. it didn’t just begin when my second marriage did. it began in childhood and has repeated itself for other reasons
piece by piece in a very childlike way i began to learn to protect myself with certain behaviors
i will call it putting on armor because i can see that word picture.
piece by piece. haphazardly i’m sure. a child cannot reason as an adult and i am we do what is marked all up in front of us.
and parents cannot give what they do not have and i come full circle in understanding her i am learning that my TRUST was broken long ago. not within this marriage or my first even..
i had broken trust that i brought into all of my relationships and i take ME wherever i go
and while it is one of the hardest things i have EVER done
i can humbly admit that i am a controlling person
i control to protect myself from being hurt by men. underneath all of that anger and rage is FEAR
i was taught that men are dogs and not loving. not dependable. that they can’t provide and take care of us like we can
fear of being abandoned. of being unlovable. hurt people hurt people. i hurt people. not intentionally always but it was how i survived. how i kept closed and shut up being shut up also kept out love..peace..JOY..kindness..forgiveness..gentleness..good gifts
we pick up patterns and pathologies..it makes sooooo much sense!
i was a child raising children and the damage and pain caused throughout these years is more than my heart can bear
and i am learning in the DOING of truth..giving it to my burden bearer. Jesus. it is way to heavy for me right now
shut up with all of that toxicity and kept me in a cylinder pattern of insanity. over and over and over the years turned their pages
leaving me empty and without purpose…being literally driven hard every.single.dayto prove i was good enough
i learned to live fast..love hard..work hard..wear the pants hard..and i learned how to be right and how to bark demeaning words stewing in my own frustration
not knowing what to do to get out
making those around me to feel stupid unloved and not good enough just how i felt…funny isn’t it?
my mind goes fast..yes linseyi do even walk fast..thank you friend for sharing that with me that day
it came into my day wrapped in love from God
and yes..it did keep me from feeling. i never stopped long enough to feel normal. and just what in the heck is normal anyway? i really don’t know what that will look like for me…i am willing to learn (these are some of the most powerful words we can LIVE )
much like lindsey lohan i believe i am addicted to chaos
i was birthed in it–it is what i knew. what was comfortable to me. it was my NORMAL
much of the chaos has been self created
there is truth that we make what we believe happen
i felt my life as a child very chaotic. i felt nobody protected me and took care of me so i grew to do that for myself
and i have never let myself be loved
not by God
and not by my husband
funny thing is even husbands are hurt. wounded. they have things they cannot give me either.
i can’t fix husbands..i can only be willing to heal myself
be willing to say the hard words about myself…my behavior
to find true HEALING is only in JESUS ( just a thought as i was typing) funny how unknowingly you can push someone away and cause all kinds of crazy…ugh
that day… on the couch…i remember
i needed the hole gone. i needed saving
and i sat down and i felt my spirit just let go…a HARD SURRENDER
i was just done. tired. exhausted. i surrendered it all to Him
take what needs taking and GIVE back what is needful and i will be obedient
to TRUST YOU…trust YOUR love for me
i am willing to walk into new territory that is HARD & scares the heck out of me i am willing to walk through the fires and the rivers and the rocky places
and the places of sheer abandonment..the fears that assault me
because i KNOW that i know that i know….that i am not alone
that you hold me right tight with only love in your hands and when you see me YOU
delight in me. i am always enough in my shattered brokeness
you know where every piece goes when i don’t i am willing to trust the process abba
be willing to be wide open to be vulnerable. be willing to be hurt be willing to forgive.
i want to be free from myself
i want to live within the ME you are creating i can make it through anything in the One who makes me WHO i am phil. 4:13 the message
thank you jamie;)
i want to be WHOLLY transparent
i DARE abba to come closer
i know it is the way. you told me that so directly last week i will not doubt
i do not know the future and honestly i am tired of worrying about it
i want to live today. i want to love today. i want to enjoy today. i want to be present today
i want healing for me for my husband and for my children
i have believe YOU for that for years….there is a purpose for all of this i know.i believe trust
it will never EVER be PERFECT like i think it should be
i know we are all broken in some way but can i be healed and be a part of others healing?
can i abba? i don’t want to waste a single minute
i could be taken home today and i want to LIVE–
so much of what i though mattered doesn’t really
not in the eternal picture of things i threw my hands in the air and said SHOW me SOMETHING – DARE to come closer abba…
i am going to end today with these life changing words that i read while in minnesota a few weeks back where it all came crashing down
i hi-lighted them and then wrote them in my journal and on the inside cover of the book
they are from the book bread & wine. funny that a book like that God can use..i believe He can because of shauna’s vulnerability and transparency telling her STORY
i am frayed and starving
i knew i had to find a new way to live and a new way to nourish myself along the way
it is more than reading the devo’s and bible — ( my input ) and shauna said ” there is a point when you have TO DO”
pay attention to your tears they tell you something
it is in the DOING that freedom from self is found
in His grip of grace