Category Archives: My Story

i want to be reckless in my faith

“For the vision is yet for an appointed time…though it tarries, wait for it” (Habakkuk 2:3, KJV). God has an appointed time to fulfill the visions, dreams, and desires in your heart. Just because it has taken a long time or because you’ve tried and failed doesn’t mean it’s not going to happen. Don’t give up on those dreams! Don’t be complacent about pursuing what God has placed in your heart. Our God is a faithful God.

(the words underneath this pin moved my heart…i don’t know who wrote them though.  if anyone knows please let me know:)

“For the vision is yet for an appointed time…though it tarries, wait for it” (Habakkuk 2:3, KJV).     God has an appointed time to fulfill the visions, dreams, and desires in your heart. Just because it has taken a long time or because you’ve tried and failed doesn’t mean it’s not going to happen. Don’t give up on those dreams! Don’t be complacent about pursuing what God has placed in your heart. Our God is a faithful God.

{source}

i am taking a risk today – around 10
i don’t know if it the “right” thing..or not
i don’t have all the answers
there has been no audible answer, no sign and no burning bush
but there is an opportunity

it is something i have been praying about for a long time
maybe now is the appointed time
maybe it isn’t

but if i don’t answer the call…i will never know
i am done with playing it safe
caring so much what people think
believing the lie that i am a little girl and can’t make good decisions
that if i fail…i learn from it right?
it isn’t the end of the world

i don’t want to miss the miracle
do you feel this way too?
i am tired of being complacent
i want to be reckless in my faith
i am believing God for my history and the value in it
it is more than the miracle …  it is everything leading up to it
and all the messy in betweens
it is the relationship carved out in the crucible
where faith is proven…

and jesus took the five loaves and two fish, looked up toward heaven,
and asked God’s blessing on the food….matthew 14:19
 

–if i am brought to your heart would you mind praying for me..for the kids…that if its meant to be it will
but if not..the door will close until a better one opens

i love each one of you with my heart wide open..xo

 

 

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stop trusting fear…

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“if we dwell on all the things that could go wrong, we’ll be to afraid to take another step”

ruth had lived in fear all during the months of mahlons illness, and it had accomplished nothing…after mahlon’s death, she decided she would never again allow her mind to dwell on things beyond her control

I started my photography business back in September of 2013 and it has pushed me out of my comfort zone like nothing else. I think sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith. The past has proven me to be a slow and steady kind of girl, taking few risks, and therefore, not really changing or growing much in any way. I think I’ve unknowingly preferred the safety of the nest rather than taking the risk of testing my wings. I suppose I figured there was no failure in the same ol’ same ol’. After awhile the “same ol’” started to feel rather boring and I felt this yearning like I was made for something more yet I just sat here inside the same four walls. The ugly truth is that I doubted God’s plan for me figuring that I had it wrong and there wasn’t something “extra special” planned for me. I actually reserved myself to accepting my role as wife and mom, choosing to be content with just that. But still that little tickle in my soul… this tiny seedling of hope that if I jumped out of the nest God would teach me to fly.

i know some of her words.  i have lived them.  God has been using her risk taking steps to fly to encourage my heart!   as a little girl all i wanted was to have a family.  to get married and have babies.  to be a mom and wife was the pinnacle of  “how it was supposed to be”in my mind.  and i made sure it happened.  it still amazes me the power of the human will to orchestrate a life that we think is safe.  i put all i was and all i knew into those roles.

what i learned was if you throw all of yourself into someone else..or something else
YOU get lost
years go by and if we’re not careful .. we wake up one day old and full of regret
i don’t want to choose that.  to settle for that

i used to think that the passions i had were meant to be hidden
that when i could do something good … i felt guilty
good things didn’t really happen to me and if they did i felt guilty because so many others were struggling

i didn’t give myself permission to shine.  it seemed nonspiritual to me
prideful even?
i am passionate about truth..trust..my relationship with God in all of its messy growth
i fight hard for my convictions and often my impetuousness gets me into hot water
what i didn’t know then that i am understanding more now is that
abba has provided me with circumstances to teach me how to use the gifts He has placed within me
that i need to stop living trusting fear and start putting actions to trusting God..in real life..not daydreams
within my days.  doing something tangible..you know?

i always felt that passion was weird somehow
like i never quite fit in but i am learning that to grow..to move forward i must let go off all these lies
and say yes to what God has before me

to take risks that make me feel uncomfortable and make me want to run the other way
but i haven’t
not yet
i have days that just bomb..maybe consecutive days even
the difference is i choose to get back up.  i must!

i can’t explain it but i am curious to take God at His word this time
i wonder if it is providence.  His timing
for all i know all of the years before have led up to this moment
the hard part for me is waiting.  waiting for that right time
letting the story unfold a wee bit more
i have learned that God isn’t going to light a bush on fire for me saying

tiff – this is exactly what you are to do..and here is how you are to do iti do see feel His heat upon my heart

my normal has always been fear living
but i know now that is not living

like ruth..i have learned that living in fear and dwelling on things i cannot control accomplishes nothing
and like the old fan we replaced with a new gold sparkly light

is kinda how i see the fresh new growth in my life
a new direction and it is spilling out into every area of my life
it isn’t the absence of hard though…or pain

it is like the turning of the seasons..new growth springing up while simultaneously the old
shrivels up and fades

so instead of dwelling on things i cannot control
or feeling stuck believing lies

i am letting go and allowing life to move me as the Spirit moves
one thing i am making a habit of is

taking risks
since we closed the shop several months ago while i recovering from surgery
i had time to really hear God and it was during this time that for lack of a better word the vision for
the new signs came into being

we are taking the next risky step and making everything more cohesive
here on the blog..in our home
i have started a new pin board called my exodus home
more on this in the coming weeks…

i want where i am the things i am being taught to have the same feel 
as what we create

i have been praying for sometime for a new direction with our signs..to set ourselves apart a little
to find our own niche
and i hope you will find that in the coming months as we
show our hearts to you

through our t-shirts – mugs – bags and paper-goods

that they will inspire YOU to take those risks
to not live in FEAR so much
to see YOUR dreams that God placed in your heart years ago
begin to GROW

all of these things will slowly be added in the coming months
the t-shirts will begin to be added to the shop next week so stay tuned to instagram for the first peeks

when we find that what we have been doing isn’t working and we are seeing the same results
it is time to do something different.
just like the old fan.  it had served its purpose but it was in need of an update
a fresh look

the strands of crystals catch the light and together cast a pattern of  dots across the room
bathing the room in captivating sparkles

let this sign..these words be the centerpiece for you little girls nursery.  can be used for years to come!

each one of us is like a crystal.  a unique blending of gifts, personality, quirks and history –that when strung together cast a light so bright it captivates those looking on
and i don’t know about YOU but i want to shine not only for my good but for all those looking to find their way
bring glory to God..really it is releasing those in prisons of fear, shame, guilt by us being released..it is these things that
give God glory!

how about YOU?  in what ways have you seen that living in fear has accomplished nothing?  maybe this weekend spend
some time thinking on what it would look like if you just took the next step..you know the one?  the one that you can’t take because you have been paralyzed with fear?  this isn’t about anyone else’s story.  it is between YOU and God

abba..we thank you that we have a God who is not made of wood stone or any man made substance.  You are a God who created the whole world..and yet..you have gone to unfathomable measures to have a relationship with us.  we thank you for the circumstances we find ourselves in today for they are our teachers.  only You can take to our eyes what is ugly and useless and turn it into something of beauty.  we thank you for your grace that looks at us in our own nakedness and loves us clean through.  so i come this morning with the only thing of value i have…my trust.  here abba…there is no one on heaven or earth that i can come to..that hears me like You do
so abba i pray in the midst of my life…and the lives of my friends who you know even now .. those reading..those who like me find ourselves reckless in our love for you.  we know how frail we are in our human form but we long to see freedom…we long to see You revive Your work in the midst of our years…in my 45th year abba REVIVE Your work…it isn’t to late!
you want what is good for us .. your plans for us are good..to prosper us in all kinds of ways but also
You want glory..help us to not cause harm to others by our words and actions
to SHINE for you..to be like the women of faith before us…ruth, rahab, tamar…may their hearts that burned for YOU burn within us today…
in jesus name

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the one post where i said a cuss word….

no doubt.

my finger runs lovingly over the map of my story.  tears wet the page blurring the words.  bethel..ai..paran..gilgal..the WILDERNESS

oh the wilderness.  the wandering.. doubting there really is hope.  despairing that i will ever see LIFE again in the land of the living

i know the promises spoken to me.  i wrote them all down.  the dates scribbled in my bible.  years of words spoken to me

years pass as the caravan marches on loaded down with mixed bags of pain & suffering..vicious lies..cheating & stealing..blaming..hearts raw and rough..dreams shattered and falling apart

i remember events at each dot.  each “town”

leaving egypt … moving toward the promised land.  years spent trusting and doubting.  caving in to my own ways.  subjected to others choices.  choices that left me stripped and wanting.. raw and angry

passionate and groping for a nameless deliverance that i didn’t even know what was needed

but somehow..someway grace gave me a hand up again and i kept going

and here i am at jerico.  an impregnable fortress where the enemies reside

but God said the promised land was flowing with milk and honey..but it had enemies too right?

i am looking up at the wall shielding my eyes from the sun

searing pain and a crack..face plants me on the ground..i wince.. my eyes scrunched tight trying to control my breath
and i can hear him breathe..heavy it comes bearing down my neck sending a shiver up my spine.  i can smell the putrid
odor of lies worming their way around my soul…trying to find a way in and my anger boils over.  the words fall on my wounds
like alcohol…burning and searing

oh God!! rocking back and forth i scrunch my eyes tighter…and over and over i say…help me..help me
i can’t do this..lie lie lie
i have come up against jerico for so many years….it echos in my head and i pull my knees tighter
scared to open my eyes.  i can still hear the breath..i can still smell the stench of rotting lies..luring me
enticing me to DOUBT

this is all so sickningly familiar…the tears burning hot down my face
hot anger tears.  more angry at myself

warrior woman WHEN are you going to get up and BELIEVE that you are a grown ass woman?!!
you are NOT a little girl.  you are not helpless anymore.  YOU CAN trust ME

a gentle but firm voice said OPEN your eyes!!  see Me!
just stop — breathe..open YOUR eyes.  you must be able to “see” child

the warmth of your hand abba..i feel it..wallpaper my soul to yours abba..i want to give you all of me.  all of my trust
just today..stay in today..i need You.  You are God and there is no one else who can save like You.  Your glory is what my heart
wrings itself for.

but i don’t understand it abba.  i don’t.  i wrestle You hard.  You and me..i fight it don’t i?
i have this burning fire inside me and i don’t understand it
help me..

i squeeze the hand of love offered to me

the gates of hell want to see us fall.  to see us bound all up in the wilderness fighting each our own battle of doubts all the while jerico looms before us.  waiting.  a GIFT already given through the blood of Jesus.  maybe we don’t know war like our ancestors.  things got to easy and they settled.  bodies sitting in lukewarm bathtubs.  settling for mediocre.  living dead.

i don’t want to choose that.  i want to be like the children of isreal that were about to take jerico and pray for the COURAGE to take the city–we cannot keep looking at what our ancestors chose — we MUST choose to believe now!  today and pray for the courage to take our JERICO’s.  they have a purpose in God’s plan..

I have already given it to You daughter.  i have made a way.  look back over you story map.  right now…LOOK
all of these places have taught you things.  things you will need as you enter this new land

YOU are worth it
it is TIME child.  we are going to circle the walls
i have already GIVEN it to you….

this is the scary part — YOU have to TRUST Me!

you have to give me the only thing that is valuable to you…YOU
your trust.  your SOUL..all those dreams you hold so close
those dreams are from Me.  I put them there
you have to TRUST Me with them!!
you have to let go of it
you have to stop asking WHY and trust Me…

i could still smell the stench of DOUBT…the lies…i could still feel the worms
so i reached down and picked up my shield..my hands sweaty as they squeezed tight

” the LORD of all the earth is crossing over ahead of you into the jordan…do not come near it ( the ark of the covenant = the presence of the Lord ) that you may know the way by which you will go, for YOU HAVE NOT PASSED THIS WAY BEFORE…then joshua said to the people, ” consecrate yourself, for tomorrow the LORD will do WONDERS among you.”

DOUBT will not win this time–we are in for a hard battle but we have the ONLY One that we need leading us..xo

 

 

 

 

 

ngs

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the first messy spill of my heart with no editing….

warrior woman

 

i wish i would have known.

i was trying to find this image and it led me on a reminiscing of sorts.  my life in blog form

this is the house where this post came from.  it was where God came down in a very real way and changed the course of our lives.
i struggle missing this house.   i believe this was number 17.  houses i mean.  in 20 years.  that is a lot of houses.  i had my first real soul friend here.  i fought hard to stay.  for the kids.  for me.  i have achingly longed for a home of my own.  to just be somewhere.

years of fighting took its toll on everything.   a chronic disease from a chronic life of not trusting.

i have wanted to write since i saw stacks of yellow legal pads that my grandpa wrote on when i was a little girl.  i don’t know what he wrote about i just know he wrote.  as i grew older i found love stories.  at 12 i was reading novels that were inappropriate for a girl my age.  i was drawn into their story lines.  i wanted that “love” in my life.  to be loved like that.  at 12 you have no idea what real love even is.

i cry writing these words.  there is so much sadness at the length i would go for love.  to belong.  i had a gaping hole and i spent years trying to fill it.
to a wounded young girl you don’t realize that when you take a bottle of sleeping pills to get a guy to love you isn’t written on paper it is mortal.  you can’t write the character back to life.  and if you could shake that girl and tell here…HE isn’t worth it!  you life will be a living hell…and she would listen.  but you can’t. ( but God was always right there )

no one can tell you when you are hell bent on your own way can they?

i used to think being strong was getting back at those that hurt you
was being able to survive.
was being right
i used to think it was controlling things so that i could feel safe
i used to think being strong was sucking it up.  dealing with the pain
i used to think blaming made it ok
i used to think having babies was having a family.  was having someone to love

i am just weeping as i write.  the memories are sad.  i wish i would have known
i write this not to live back there again because i don’t…much but to begin to make some sense of my story so i
can share it someday.  there is so much that i don’t ever know where to start so i just don’t.
this year i want to begin

i wish i would have known how deep the pain would be of divorce
of letting your children live with their dad thinking it would be best
i wish i would have know that being whoever someone wanted so that they would stay wasn’t really love
i wish i would have known that someone belittling you wasn’t love
that strings attached to love isn’t really love
i wish i would h
ave known how to leave
i wish i would have know that the grass isn’t greener and that often…when your own life isn’t healed you choose something
way worse

i wish i would have know preachers aren’t always safe and they too can be wounded and wound people..families

i wish i would have never entered that church that day.  never talked to that man.
i lost so much of myself…my family through all of that

i wished i would have been able to leave and be on my own and be ok with that
i wished i could have left 10 years ago when my kids begged me

i wish i would have know i was a strong woman…
i always wanted to write.  i am NOT a writer in the sense of all the amazing authors i read…bloggers i read.
all i have is my story and for some crazy reason this won’t leave me alone.  for years to write my story hounds me.
i can’t explain it.  and i struggle because i don’t know grammer.  i can’t make sense…ugh

i laugh…

oh abba..if i would have know all of these things
if i wouldn’t have taken the road i choose i wouldn’t have a story to tell would i?
i couldn’t enter into others pain and sit there
i would never have known of YOUR love.
i would never have known what real strength is
real heart healing..forgiveness..i wouldn’t be learning of boundaries

that saying no doesn’t mean i don’t love you
that being real..being vulnerable is being strong

…sigh
breathe out

as the new year turns the page i am face down hands out reaching for more of YOU
my house is a mess and honestly?  that isn’t going to change no matter how much i muster up the new year get organized mantra.
i am living in a house i am grateful for but i don’t like.  at all.  there are strings attached.  i am praying this year for God to open up a home for me.  when it is time.  it would be a miracle to do so on my own but He is God in every season isn’t He?

this year i just need more of You God…more of me.  more changing.  more real…more of what it ETERNAL!  more healing
more JOY…more PEACE!  amen and amen

i am learning that.  He is showing me that as i grow in trust.

He has shown me that taking responsibility for ME . for my actions is the only way to CHANGE
it wasn’t about changing everyone else
God wanted to CHANGE ME!

when we begin to really change it changes everything else
BUT
it is a loooong journey.  it hasn’t happened in a month or a year.  it has been a process of surrendering
of months of not hearing God.  dark places of the soul
deep valleys sprinkled with a few mountaintops
but it is arduous!

you see…what i am knowing this new year is looking back over my life — He is shaping me into this courageous woman that He always knew me as.  i am a stubborn daughter and He loves me anyway.  He wants my heart.  i have always wanted things from Him.  to be rescued.  to help me…and He wants to help me but not in the way i sometimes asked.

all of the pivotal points in my life He is using to shape me as i grow in relationship with Him.  that is what He wants from me.
and He does His best work in the weakness.  in the surrender.  in the giving up of my life as i see it.

and friends…in this giving up my life He has taken me in places that i cannot even put words to yet.  when He gives permission for your health to be touched it can turn your world upside down.  life seems to be easy when you have your health, money, family a home etc.  the tangible things in life but touch the heart of you soul….

so this year while my house is a chronic mess..it is to cold to clean my truck out and dog hair prevails
i am choosing to take His hand for one more day.

because you see….He is all i really need.  He is the only One who can heal me from the inside out.  not just a diseased colon but a heart.
and not only that…He can use it to help others and He will be seen.

that is my humble prayer.  that all of my life choices He really can use for my good and His glory.
and that all of my kids will KNOW Him in a very personal way.  that He is the ONLY way.

that they will be able to take the hard things in their lives…from my choices and see them as nuggets of gold
to be written into the pages of their stories…that God is still ABLE to redeem.

running to Him with open arms….xo

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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what if we prayed circles around our own Jerico’s?

This would be the year that we would be just bunch of messed-up, broken-down people — with a swordBecause every. single. one. of. us. is  facing. one. hard. battle.   
–ann voscamp

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nothing happens by accident when we have eyes to “see” the sacred

the timing of ann’s #memoryproject2014  and evan g coopers book recommendation the circle maker

that i have some deeply buried dreams
sacred visions that i want to go for
giants that i have long wanted to see slayed that are still standing in defiance

if feel an urgency within my spirit..

so i cut out living words printed on paper…

i have deep wounds that are infected.  wounds that i allow to be continually broken open
and i have been trusting God to get me out…in His way and it is HARD

so i read about prayer circles…about finding my “jerico”

and my mind & heart begin to beat faster.  God is speaking….

WHAT IF’s… begin pounding in my brain and i can’t write fast enough

Do not plant your dreams in the field of indecision, where nothing ever grows but the weeds of "what-if."  ~Dodinsky
source link was broken…

what if we each found God’s heartbeat for us..

what if  we DARED to TRUST God to fight our battles and began putting action to our unique dreams

what if we quit fighting in our own energy and began to trust His?  i mean really trust…

what if we really choose to LIVE instead of FEAR

what if we stopped letting false guilt and shame keep us from becoming a naked page for Him to write on?
after all He has already given each of us a song.  our very own song woven into the fabric of our soul
it is not ours to sing

it is HIS!

HOW do we DO..in real everyday life…THIS?

prayer SWORDS!  we are spiritual beings who have been given the weapons to fight
problem is.. we don’t use them.  we use our energies.  and they are not God’s weapons

people ARE NOT our enemy!

we have to prayerfully figure out what our jerico’s are.  what habits we want to see be set from?
what do we want to see a breakthrough in?  what do we want to see happen in the lives of those we love but in OUR OWN LIVES?

if we are changed it begins to change everything around us

in the lives of our family..friends
a book to write..a ministry maybe..starting a family..abusive relationships..the list is endless

we cannot fight in our own strength.  been there done that.  a lesson i continually have to come back to

in a matter of two days these two things came into my life –
God is calling – are we listening?  

what if we begin together by praying circles around our Jericho’s?

WHAT IF this is the year for that one battle that you have been fighting for years..for the walls of it to come crashing down?

get the book…download the verses

THIS is the YEAR to plant for a HUGE harvest!….xo

 

 

 

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