my finger runs lovingly over the map of my story. tears wet the page blurring the words. bethel..ai..paran..gilgal..the WILDERNESS
oh the wilderness. the wandering.. doubting there really is hope. despairing that i will ever see LIFE again in the land of the living
i know the promises spoken to me. i wrote them all down. the dates scribbled in my bible. years of words spoken to me
years pass as the caravan marches on loaded down with mixed bags of pain & suffering..vicious lies..cheating & stealing..blaming..hearts raw and rough..dreams shattered and falling apart
i remember events at each dot. each “town”
leaving egypt … moving toward the promised land. years spent trusting and doubting. caving in to my own ways. subjected to others choices. choices that left me stripped and wanting.. raw and angry
passionate and groping for a nameless deliverance that i didn’t even know what was needed
but somehow..someway grace gave me a hand up again and i kept going
and here i am at jerico. an impregnable fortress where the enemies reside
but God said the promised land was flowing with milk and honey..but it had enemies too right?
i am looking up at the wall shielding my eyes from the sun
searing pain and a crack..face plants me on the ground..i wince.. my eyes scrunched tight trying to control my breath
and i can hear him breathe..heavy it comes bearing down my neck sending a shiver up my spine. i can smell the putrid
odor of lies worming their way around my soul…trying to find a way in and my anger boils over. the words fall on my wounds
like alcohol…burning and searing
oh God!! rocking back and forth i scrunch my eyes tighter…and over and over i say…help me..help me
i can’t do this..lie lie lie
i have come up against jerico for so many years….it echos in my head and i pull my knees tighter
scared to open my eyes. i can still hear the breath..i can still smell the stench of rotting lies..luring me
enticing me to DOUBT
this is all so sickningly familiar…the tears burning hot down my face
hot anger tears. more angry at myself
warrior woman WHEN are you going to get up and BELIEVE that you are a grown ass woman?!!
you are NOT a little girl. you are not helpless anymore. YOU CAN trust ME
a gentle but firm voice said OPEN your eyes!! see Me!
just stop — breathe..open YOUR eyes. you must be able to “see” child
the warmth of your hand abba..i feel it..wallpaper my soul to yours abba..i want to give you all of me. all of my trust
just today..stay in today..i need You. You are God and there is no one else who can save like You. Your glory is what my heart
wrings itself for.
but i don’t understand it abba. i don’t. i wrestle You hard. You and me..i fight it don’t i?
i have this burning fire inside me and i don’t understand it
i squeeze the hand of love offered to me
the gates of hell want to see us fall. to see us bound all up in the wilderness fighting each our own battle of doubts all the while jerico looms before us. waiting. a GIFT already given through the blood of Jesus. maybe we don’t know war like our ancestors. things got to easy and they settled. bodies sitting in lukewarm bathtubs. settling for mediocre. living dead.
i don’t want to choose that. i want to be like the children of isreal that were about to take jerico and pray for the COURAGE to take the city–we cannot keep looking at what our ancestors chose — we MUST choose to believe now! today and pray for the courage to take our JERICO’s. they have a purpose in God’s plan..
I have already given it to You daughter. i have made a way. look back over you story map. right now…LOOK
all of these places have taught you things. things you will need as you enter this new land
YOU are worth it
it is TIME child. we are going to circle the walls
i have already GIVEN it to you….
this is the scary part — YOU have to TRUST Me!
you have to give me the only thing that is valuable to you…YOU
your trust. your SOUL..all those dreams you hold so close
those dreams are from Me. I put them there
you have to TRUST Me with them!!
you have to let go of it
you have to stop asking WHY and trust Me…
i could still smell the stench of DOUBT…the lies…i could still feel the worms
so i reached down and picked up my shield..my hands sweaty as they squeezed tight
” the LORD of all the earth is crossing over ahead of you into the jordan…do not come near it ( the ark of the covenant = the presence of the Lord ) that you may know the way by which you will go, for YOU HAVE NOT PASSED THIS WAY BEFORE…then joshua said to the people, ” consecrate yourself, for tomorrow the LORD will do WONDERS among you.”
DOUBT will not win this time–we are in for a hard battle but we have the ONLY One that we need leading us..xo