Category Archives: My Story

day 5/30 : the wilderness memoirs – burning off the clutter

you fight fire with fire
and the people who have fire in their bones
are called to fight the fires of this world

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this is a journal entry from this week…more from where i am right now in my story..image from my uber talented friend lissa...xo

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similarly, we must use directed effort to control misdirected effort
if your consumed by busyness at the expense of real business, perhaps
i should set a new and different kind of fire

when i burn off the clutter of busyness and leave time to think and study, you may get less done
but the things you do  will be far more productive and ultimately more organic to what i’m
passionate about accomplishing
–t.d. jakes

the fringe benefit to burning off the brush is a much clearer view of the terrain ahead

no one can get beyond their sight lines.  and when cluttered with obstructions, our vision
will always be impaired!

again…i question..and i wrote

“where do i need to clear a path so that i have room to maneuver toward my ultimate destination?

and then i asked God to show me what needs to be burned off first

later on in my “busy” day ha! while perusing pinterest… ( unnecessary busyness i’m sure;) i ran across this post that the nester
has pinned!!!  i immediately clicked in and devoured it .. it made SO much sense!!  yes!!

God showed me a breadcrumb!!!

BINGO!  answer number uno!!  practice reminder !!  it begins with head knowledge but i must put it into practice in my everyday life to make change

prACTice doesn’t make perfect…prACTice makes change right?  right:)

i am by NO MEANS an expert and i feel so busy..even in my head..i LONG for the days when my first three
were little.  when being a momma was simpler.  no social media.  no blogs.  no smart phones.

so much more free time.  what did we do to ourselves?  ugh…anyway

so i am taking this “burning off the clutter” seriously.  even in our business
especially in our business!

honestly?  this is so super applicable to anyone..in any stage of life in whatever circumstances you in..don’t you think?

that is enough for one day.  i will share what i’m learning and practicing as i go so hang in there with me:)  love  you!!

my daily practice

be on the lookout for unnecessary clutter and how to subdue the ground i live on
and take back my time

with love from,

this girl is on fire…..(wink)

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day 3/30 – the wilderness memoirs…it was him or me

behind all your stories is always your mother’s story, because hers is where yours begins…mitch albom

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i can hear my heart pounding in my ears..my breathing is shallow is rapid.  my lungs are at capacity.  i have to stop to take a break. my arms couldn’t keep holding abandon run down, worn out, collapsing house of crazy up at the seams anymore
i’ve taken hammer and nails to pin up the rafters that were built from LIES!  fix the leaky faucets and put new panes of glass in its broken windows so no one could see what was really going on.

i now know there is a word for this and it is called “crazy making”  they make you believe it is you responsible for all of their sickness..you blame you and so do they hence the adjective “crazy making”
no one would believe us anyway and the hardest thing was saying with my voice my part in the story...how sick can someone be to live that way and call it love?
still to this day that decade makes me physically sick

one day or maybe it was years of “days” i drew back the curtains  of my heart house and i let Your Light shine into my heart for the very first time.
i knew i had to stop this madness that we thought normal and blaze a new trail for myself and run a brand new race for the rest of my life.
and then hand it over as a runner hands the baton to the next person so my daughters stand on up ahead with their hands out.
i see them shadowed by the sun setting spilling God’s glory all over us waiting..watching..and calling me forward so they can grab it when it goes by it is the passing of history.

setting things free is history making..almost a sacred work

because at some moment i knew it was him or me

we had already ripped the fabric of our family to pieces..and there is no way..humanly speaking to EVER heal such destruction of souls these kinda things leave scars deep and long and for the first time i wanted to do the hard thing.

the choice that was the scariest thing i have ever done…to choose my own freedom

i had to choose to let go of control of what i thought it was going to look like..what my children thought it was going to look like..heck i still don’t know what it is going to look like...it is being rebuilt each and everyday

i just knew i didn’t want to grow old with the idea of “hoping it will change”.  i don’t want to die in that hope.  i gave 12+years to this dream..no more

it is eery…i get sad when i think about my mom.  we sit over steaming mugs of coffee long cold and half eaten plates of carbs calling it a cheap therapy session but the truth of it doesn’t escape me.  action and owning our own addictions are the only way out.  the only road to freedom.

i believe that God is giving me the opportunity to run this next part of the our family history .. i have chosen to take the baton. the weight pushes me down telling me to quit.  it is in these moments that i begin asking what in the world AM I DOING!! that God gently reminds me of esther..of nehemiah..of jeremiah..of paul His words are my energy — they are my life blood.  my oxygen

i am not running for myself only…i am running for all the women in my family..for my daughters

it is the history making of these words that propel me forward.  i most likely will not live to see all of this play out but God lets me hear the freedom bell ringing…i know my daughters will have freedom

freedom becomes the sound of my shoe hitting the pavement creating a hypnotizing narcotic to numb the pain for a bit so i am able to get a little farther down the road.

daily i stand .. hand on hips.. breathing hard and fast..bending over trying to catch my breath.  sweat covering my whole body that is bloody and bruised..often in places that human eye cannot see. the heart bruises..the abrasions from lying sandpaper that just.won’t.STOP!

the pain from the unseen places throb and gnaw at me the most the enemy of our soul…others and myself  trip me up on somedays..throwing me headlong into a cycle of doubt and despair–trying to  lure me back into the crazy

but not today.   not today

i want to leave you with these words..i am not sure who wrote them but they strengthen me and i pray they strengthen you

“nothing good comes easily you have to lose things you thought you loved, give up things you thought you needed. you have to get over yourself, beyond your past, out from under the weight of your future. the good stuff never comes when things are easy. it comes when things are all heavily weighted down like moving trucks–

..xo

my dear friend lissa let me use this image from her ig…i fell in love with it.  i thought it was perfect for the wilderness memoirs

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day 2/30- the wilderness memoirs..and still i rise

 

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I’ll rise.
-‘Still I Rise’ by Maya Angelou

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still i rise sign

do you know someone who has fought his or her whole life?
whether it be a physical disability..their unique circumstances..seems like they always dealt a bad hand?

some of us have stories that we have to fight through our whole lives.  there isn’t always a fairytale happy ending in real life.
as women we idolize that in our hearts and fight to make that come true in our own lives don’t we?

i am learning to be grateful for my life story..for all of the hardships, constant stresses, failures.
if i choose..they are not hinderances at all but droplets of water to mix with the dust to make the mud to make the bricks to make the steps OUT!

i am choosing to find the gift inside each day..learning to be thankful for the good days and the hard ones

they have hurt hard…don’t get me wrong -
but they are becoming my testimony..deepening my trust..fueling my passions and shaping me into an overcomer!!

because in the end…the gift i am seeing…for me…is that i am learning to feel my own feelings…letting the painful things surface so they
can be acknowledged..owned and healed!

and the most humbling thing?

i am learning to enter into other people’s pain..even when it triggers my own
it isn’t so scary anymore.  i don’t think we like to hear people’s painful stories.  it makes us uncomfortable.
we only want to hear the fairytale ones..but i believe that jesus was drawn to the pain
people need to know they are not alone….hello!!!!

He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others.
When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.
-2 corinthians 1:4

 i want to offer hope minus the judgement

i believe this is key KEY key!!

think on this with me:

it is wise to stay abreast of the latest information that will cause you to be able to
grow forward and not just go forward – bishop t.d. jakes

what if today you began choosing to rise..what would happen to those closest to you?
and if these around you are watching you “growing forward”..rising above your circumstances
what do you think that is going to do for them…if they choose?

after all…i have a choice to let all of the painful things in my life ruin me..or rise me
and so do you sweet girl…so do you!!!

…xo

 

 

 

 

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day 1/30- the wilderness memoirs

In my recovery
I’m a soldier at war
I have broken down walls
I defined
I designed
My recovery

In the sound of the sea
In the oceans of me
I defined
I designed
My recovery
james arthur – recovery

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hello.  i am tiffini and i am a relationship addict

Relationship addicts crave unconditional love, but live in constant fear of abandonment if they don’t live up to their own impossible standards.
They want to be free to love, but often trap themselves in a relationship by becoming pregnant or by weaving some other type of emotional spider web.
Drowning in the whirlpool of their own emotions, they turn to a rescuer who cannot swim.

for 16 the relationship took twists and turns that i would never in my wildest dreams  would have believed.  we won’t get into to much of that during these 30 days.
the focus of the days ahead will just be my time with God during the hard places and what i learned.  and in so many ways and on deeper levels..still am learning.  it wasn’t until i surrendered and let loose of my grip on control and began to really “feel” my feelings…my fears deeply layered between cycles of abuse that my own recovery began.

 

it is possible that many of our addictions are attempts to take the hurt out of our hinderances
beth moore – daughters of the day

the pain that was inflicted in my childhood left me a desperate teenager seeking someone who would numb my pain.

for as long as i can remember negative words have been my traveling companions and since i am a sponge i absorb everything much deeper than those say…
who let things roll off their backs

in recent years…words have become my modern day manna…my energy bar if you will
fueling my recovery from an addiction
being addicted to a living and breathing person is different from a substance.  my “substance” has a heart and breathes.  is the father of my children
and as much as i love him i can also hate him and the reasoning that goes back and forth as why stay with someone when it is so unhealthy is maddening!
i invested my whole being into being a mom and a wife…not only that…a “godly” one.  it was all fairytale hopes and dreams.

it was unhealthy and unrealistic
and it wasn’t until i hit bottom my eyes being opened to the circular living we were doing
insanity being the game we played.  it was our “normal”  i was eyewitness to the pattern growing up.  it was all i knew

it was in counseling that i began seeing my own childhood narrative being played out on the screen of my adult life
my children saying the same things that i used to think..but not really say
it was like eating popcorn until i was sick…knowing it made me sick i kept eating anyway until i was left vomiting my guts out..shaking over a
toilet..watching the remains spiral down
to save my life i couldn’t figure out why i couldn’t stop

i used hard and the withdraws are debilitating and more often than not .. sent me right back into the cycle
i defined myself growing up not so much by what they said but how they lived around me as a child
by others opinions of me
and at a certain age…by religion

by what i believed i had to be..to look like..to be loved and accepted

i was intimidated by men..especially men in authority.  still kinda am to be honest
i had it all upside down
i lived putting all of  my hopes dreams and drive into my children and my husband
in the end only to be majorly disappointed that is doesn’t work that way

these days by His grace and my willingness…God and i have been working on a recovery plan for me

one in which i get to design and define
not based on anyone else’s thinking but based in God’s truth and His love and grace
i said ENOUGH to giving my power away to everyone else
to the fear of failing and making a mistake..as if that was my only chance.  it isn’t.

i stopped being dismissive and am opening myself up to God
trusting Him with this new life He is laying
letting Him be the One who fills the empty places

this maybe a little bit what these memoirs will be about
daily snapshots of pieces of my recovery and what it “looks” like
the “hows” & “whats”
i always wanted to know “how”…how do i do that God?
how do i put that verse into my real life in such heartbreaking circumstances?

i can tell you this:  recovery isn’t for the faint hearted.  it is for the STRONG!  i used to believe i was so weak.  i was even told that and i only believed those words because
deep down that is what i believed about myself so when someone told me that it was only logical that i believed it
now i know i am not weak..or stupid

i am a warrior.  and i am worth fighting for.

GOAL

lets begin today to just think about what life would look like if  YOU believed you were really worth fighting for.  only YOU can change anything

…xo

 

SIDE NOTE:

there is HOPE.  always hope.  i used to believe there wasn’t any hope for me..my marriage..my kids
i have/am slowly learning that God can do things in your life that you wouldn’t believe EVEN IF He told you!
while it may not end up like you thought it would…or the journey takes a different route..YOU can be OK
i have ALWAYS had a dream.  God gave it to me and at 46 as i have begun to trust Him with all of me..and all of my mess
as i have been courageous and felt the fear and did it anyway…He is blessing that
i am beginning to see the “me” i always wanted to see…she looks a bit different than i thought she would…ha!  she’s missing
her whole large intestine too!!…smile

i am super excited to see where this recovery finds me and my sweet family.  i love them so much
but more importantly…God loves them much more than i do!

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