Category Archives: heartwork

day 1/30- the wilderness memoirs

In my recovery
I’m a soldier at war
I have broken down walls
I defined
I designed
My recovery

In the sound of the sea
In the oceans of me
I defined
I designed
My recovery
james arthur – recovery

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hello.  i am tiffini and i am a relationship addict

Relationship addicts crave unconditional love, but live in constant fear of abandonment if they don’t live up to their own impossible standards.
They want to be free to love, but often trap themselves in a relationship by becoming pregnant or by weaving some other type of emotional spider web.
Drowning in the whirlpool of their own emotions, they turn to a rescuer who cannot swim.

for 16 the relationship took twists and turns that i would never in my wildest dreams  would have believed.  we won’t get into to much of that during these 30 days.
the focus of the days ahead will just be my time with God during the hard places and what i learned.  and in so many ways and on deeper levels..still am learning.  it wasn’t until i surrendered and let loose of my grip on control and began to really “feel” my feelings…my fears deeply layered between cycles of abuse that my own recovery began.

 

it is possible that many of our addictions are attempts to take the hurt out of our hinderances
beth moore – daughters of the day

the pain that was inflicted in my childhood left me a desperate teenager seeking someone who would numb my pain.

for as long as i can remember negative words have been my traveling companions and since i am a sponge i absorb everything much deeper than those say…
who let things roll off their backs

in recent years…words have become my modern day manna…my energy bar if you will
fueling my recovery from an addiction
being addicted to a living and breathing person is different from a substance.  my “substance” has a heart and breathes.  is the father of my children
and as much as i love him i can also hate him and the reasoning that goes back and forth as why stay with someone when it is so unhealthy is maddening!
i invested my whole being into being a mom and a wife…not only that…a “godly” one.  it was all fairytale hopes and dreams.

it was unhealthy and unrealistic
and it wasn’t until i hit bottom my eyes being opened to the circular living we were doing
insanity being the game we played.  it was our “normal”  i was eyewitness to the pattern growing up.  it was all i knew

it was in counseling that i began seeing my own childhood narrative being played out on the screen of my adult life
my children saying the same things that i used to think..but not really say
it was like eating popcorn until i was sick…knowing it made me sick i kept eating anyway until i was left vomiting my guts out..shaking over a
toilet..watching the remains spiral down
to save my life i couldn’t figure out why i couldn’t stop

i used hard and the withdraws are debilitating and more often than not .. sent me right back into the cycle
i defined myself growing up not so much by what they said but how they lived around me as a child
by others opinions of me
and at a certain age…by religion

by what i believed i had to be..to look like..to be loved and accepted

i was intimidated by men..especially men in authority.  still kinda am to be honest
i had it all upside down
i lived putting all of  my hopes dreams and drive into my children and my husband
in the end only to be majorly disappointed that is doesn’t work that way

these days by His grace and my willingness…God and i have been working on a recovery plan for me

one in which i get to design and define
not based on anyone else’s thinking but based in God’s truth and His love and grace
i said ENOUGH to giving my power away to everyone else
to the fear of failing and making a mistake..as if that was my only chance.  it isn’t.

i stopped being dismissive and am opening myself up to God
trusting Him with this new life He is laying
letting Him be the One who fills the empty places

this maybe a little bit what these memoirs will be about
daily snapshots of pieces of my recovery and what it “looks” like
the “hows” & “whats”
i always wanted to know “how”…how do i do that God?
how do i put that verse into my real life in such heartbreaking circumstances?

i can tell you this:  recovery isn’t for the faint hearted.  it is for the STRONG!  i used to believe i was so weak.  i was even told that and i only believed those words because
deep down that is what i believed about myself so when someone told me that it was only logical that i believed it
now i know i am not weak..or stupid

i am a warrior.  and i am worth fighting for.

GOAL

lets begin today to just think about what life would look like if  YOU believed you were really worth fighting for.  only YOU can change anything

…xo

 

SIDE NOTE:

there is HOPE.  always hope.  i used to believe there wasn’t any hope for me..my marriage..my kids
i have/am slowly learning that God can do things in your life that you wouldn’t believe EVEN IF He told you!
while it may not end up like you thought it would…or the journey takes a different route..YOU can be OK
i have ALWAYS had a dream.  God gave it to me and at 46 as i have begun to trust Him with all of me..and all of my mess
as i have been courageous and felt the fear and did it anyway…He is blessing that
i am beginning to see the “me” i always wanted to see…she looks a bit different than i thought she would…ha!  she’s missing
her whole large intestine too!!…smile

i am super excited to see where this recovery finds me and my sweet family.  i love them so much
but more importantly…God loves them much more than i do!

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our first lookbook & how you can be a part of the next issue

house of belonging : the art of living courageously
volume I

ok..ok..THIS is what we have been wanting to share for.LIKE…ever!

House of Belonging: the art of living courageously 

::::: 

we will tell stories of courage

answer the questions of HOW do I live courageously in the middle of cancer for example
you fill in the blank a word
YOUR stories
grassroots stories 
we will peek inside hearts of people around the country
we will get real
we pray hearts are stirred
we will offer meaty content to chew on
that encourages YOU to pioneer new territories
take down giants
set captives FREE
maybe even cook a good meal
just to BEGIN..
to let each other know WE ARE NOT ALONE!

our first lookbook..ebook..some kind of book…haha
to say it was a learning curve is an understatement!
my upcoming surgery had us in a time crunch which meant we didn’t get to put
EVERYTHING in it THIS go round

but hey...we are trusting Jesus with it all…it’s ALL GOOD!! right?

lesson learned: there is A LOT of work in putting together a lookbook!

volume I is a  sampling of  sorts of what is to come

WHO took these pictures you ask???

i love this person so much..and i have been so…beside myself to share her and her beautiful work with all
my FRIENDS!

we mailed lissa the shirts and she ran with it telling the story that we all believed God wants
women to hear

lissa so freely gave herself..her heart..to us
i’m just going to SAY it…it was God!
she bared her soul and let Jesus pour Himself into her

i can’t even pick a favorite..can you?
i LOVE them all!!

her gift is telling soul stories through the lens of her camera
she lives her life REAL and is a living example of  allowing God to heal her and set her FREE
to BECOME all that He had in mind for her from the beginning

grand canyon originals april 2014-2683-2

the story of FREEDOM in Jesus!
real BEAUTY..true BEAUty is LIVING COURAGEOUSLY … in FULL FREEDOM
in a relationship with JESUS!!

Jesus BEAUTY crosses all barriers

age
ethnicity
economic status
social status

whatever..you name it

::::: if you are interested in receiving our questionnaire on the next 

House of Belonging : the art of living courageously
volumne 2

email us at tiffkilgore@live.com

::::::::::

if you would LOVE to have lissa tell a story for YOU
you can find her

here
here 
and
here

you can find all the shirts in our etsy shop HERE

xoxo
 

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house of belonging : the art of living courageously

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God, You catch us -You can reach alllll the way
from sky to sea – You can pull us out of anything!
from the ocean waves that leave us gasping to the giants breathing out threats and taunting us,
only You truly know the void in which we are drowning
they hit us when we’re down,  when life’s blows come
but God always sticks with us
You stood us up in a WIDE OPEN field
we stood there…SAVED — surprised to be LOVED!
(the last two sentences are my fav…)

 

YOU God – are making our lives complete..moment by moment..day by day
when we place ALL the pieces before You
when we surrender our plans for YOUR plans 
when we are alert to Your ways
and don’t take You for granted
daily going over the ways You work;
we try not to miss a beat
we begin to feel put back together
and we practice trusting you ..with each step

God..only YOU…You rewrite our lives
when we surrender the book of our heart to your eyes
-psalm 18:16-24 mingled with my words.  i wrote this out as a prayer to God last week in my journal

something new is growing around the HOUSE:)  i can feel it coming alive…

the rest of the story is coming next week!!

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i emailed janet tonight and told her she WON a pair of freshly picked moccasins from our giveaway monday
she was the 15 that the random number generator chose.  i bet she is one happy momma:)

wishing i could give each of you that entered a pair…they TRULY are darling
thank YOU’s so much!

xo

 

 

 

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Spoken Over original artwork created by YOU!

our new Spoken Over customizable signs are in the shop!

a one of a kind sign written by you to your child
a canvas for you to identify words that are descriptive and prescriptive for your child/children/grandchildren

God speaks His word of us
we speak His Word over others
especially our children…i know i do!!

so here is your chance to SPEAK your heart OVER your special someone …here is how it works

BOTH signs are customizable
we are more than happy to help you with this…just convo us here!

the BEATRICE sign

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:child’s name
:child’s name definition
:verse or quote

the YOU WERE BORN to BLAZE NEW TRAILS sign

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( i wrote this sign here..i agonized narrowing it down but this is what i ended up with..i pray it blesses your heart too:)

:here is where you can share your heart in several sentences..running from left to right-or you can use these words
maybe you have a prayer you have Spoken Over your child before he was ever born?
or a journal entry you wrote for her that you want to frame and hang?

::::::::::::::::::::

these words will begin to frame their lives as they live and move in their room

words are powerfully silent

we speak over our children our hopes dreams and prayers
and now they can hang in their room and someday can be hung in their home when they are grown and have a home and children of their own

click on over to the shop to order or send us a custom request…we have been adding a couple of new signs..the new I Am His Sign with “son” instead of daughter is coming today PLUS we will be adding some more new kids tshirts..you can see my cutie nephew in this new one!

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this one can also be painted in our original colors ( white background/black lettering/wood frame…distressed of course!  yes please;)

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we will be adding some more new kids tshirts..you can see my cutie nephew in this new one!

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enjoy your weekend….it is my birthday weekend:)

xo

 

 

 

 

 

 

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emails with the subject: do you feel like being brave?

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-emails with the subject: do you feel like being brave? in them –  if opened and YES is typed and SEND is clicked

will put new skin on words like

BRAVE

VULNERABILITY

TRUST

SURRENDER

what your afraid of
the most may be where
God wants to use you
the most.  silence the
voice of fear with faith
-layne schranz

in my small shadowed life God showed Himself faithful to me
i experienced by doing what i knew in my head and craved deep in my spirit

what i had read in umpteen books but so desperately wanted to experience myself
but little did i know that it would be

TBT as i audaciously trusted God and subsequently transported to jr. high and all the old tapes of

your not good enough
you aren’t pretty enough
you don’t say the right things
you don’t fit in

were on replay..over and over again as cracks in my salvation armor and sword hung to heavy to wield. i sat in my hotel room and cried
i felt stupid and vulnerable and wanted to run back home and wrap myself in my security blanket
where i know i am loved for all my flaws and broken places

but ya’ll…by His grace i didn’t leave…didn’t run
i stood in Jesus’s strength by offering Him my weakness…He is mighty in our weakness!!

what was trying to surface was the fear of not being loved
and i wanted these girls to love me

so i took a risk and text a friend and asked for prayer

and she wielded the sword over me .. for me
she reminded me to practice these words because
everything is a practice

here were the words that became my mantra
i trust you jesus

because you see..i knew i knew i knew that i was meant to be here
to many God stories that worked out for this to happen!
i can’t tell you why
the only thing i know is that in all the crazy moments that were unfolding inside of me
the #eyesclosed moments when i couldn’t take any good pictures like everyone else
arrived exhausted – just overcoming the fear of flying about did me in…haha!!
my legs swelled huge
i lived on cheesecake and biscuits because i couldn’t eat much of what they had
i quietly fought to find bathroom time to take care of the “bag”…with 250 plus women that was a little challenging
i felt so out of place…which was my own “junk”

in the midst of ALL of this what God gave me was eyes to see THIS

women who loved, prayed and spoke grace over me
that soothed my newly exposed skin..words like these from danielle burkleo
unless God is closing a door keep walking through them
STOP OVERANALYZING and FEARING everything instead LISTEN and say YES to God

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i was on sacred ground when hannah singer’s words fell
scars – visible or not – are reminders to us of God’s provision -
you don’t have to be free of the circumstances to be FREE -

leslie padgett’s words hooked my pain so i was able to enter into hers..
everything broken and lost is a testimony psalm 119:111 -
God takes us to the grand canyon of our fears and asks “do you trust Me now?”
Pain offers a CHOICE always to participate or not -
God will not tell you what to do until you know who you are –

what if we began to look at pain as a teacher?

i think our small group has a forever crush on honey holden..did ya’ll know she is a grandma too?  #grandmapower
it won’t ALWAYS be this way -
and that our STORIES are written in seasons -
and WELL..paw paws really ARE SEXY!!  #pawpawsaresexy

 

our CALLING FIRST is to Jesus – as He leads us – He will show us how to use our gifts or change them – lauren chandler

jenny simmons  words were anointed when she told the prison story and my heart couldn’t contain the words
“turn around and look at my daughter’s” 

and take time to throw candy – yes…besides “new skin” in shauna niequist story i would have to say throwing candy was powerful!

they became my blanket of security..wrapping me in their acceptance love ..

these women
these words
became my blanket that weekend
they became living pieces of vulnerability for me to witness

i was humbled
i was reminded
i was challenged
i was stripped

i saw no matter what her story was i related in some way
i learned something

i found God to be faithful

He showed up just like He promised me He would
i am practicing giving Jesus room to prove Himself faithful…

and i left with fresh new skin that burned with every word
and every tear that fell my cup was more and more full

i left with an amazing diverse group of women who inspire me to be the best me
who encourage me that God really is giving me a new song to sing
and that one day i will sing it

how to get there you ask?

choose to be brave in whatever is in front of you
EVERYTHING is a PRACTICE
be open to receive good gifts from God

BRAVERY requires vulnerability

being brave has no boundaries
you don’t have to have a catastrophic story to have a story
little or big in your eyes makes no difference - God wants to give you HOPE in your story

i can know many facts about bravery..read every book
sing every song
have 100 quotes around my house
but
until i trust God with me and my story
change will never occur be until i DO or CHOOSE to prACTice DAILY

running TO fear wielding my sword of FAITH and asking for help along the way
so i can grow.  change.

Jesus is a relationship.  He never disappoints.  His plans for us are only good.
this season is only temporary.  it will pass

but here is the moral of the story
more than likely it will hurt or be uncomfortable
that is way we have to take up courage and do it afraid

i may not over know this side of heaven what all of this was for other than
i did it!

i flew and i didn’t die

and if i want to continue to live in God’s wide & SPACIOUS place…in FREEDOM
then i will have to choose to take up COURAGE every.single.time

choosing to let Jesus continue to put more and more skin on the hard words

that if i choose to let fear win i forfeit healing
when i feel the pain and step into it i allow God to get in
my surrender is FREEDOM  my surrender is HEALING & WHOLENESS

there is HOPE in your story
and He whispers over you today and everyday
see…i am doing a New thing..can you not see it?
that being foolishly courageous is being all in – shannon martin challenges us in hard ways not just with her words but by her life..she is the picture of brave in the flesh..she DOES LIFE

that is the secret – what God is showing us..DO IT..praACTice it daily…it makes CHANGE
and don’t forget to throw candy!

move out of
your comfort
zone.  you can only
grow if you are
willing to feel
awkward and
uncomfortable
when you try
something new

 

 

 

 

 

 

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