In my recovery
I’m a soldier at war
I have broken down walls
In the sound of the sea
In the oceans of me
james arthur – recovery
hello. i am tiffini and i am a relationship addict
Relationship addicts crave unconditional love, but live in constant fear of abandonment if they don’t live up to their own impossible standards.
They want to be free to love, but often trap themselves in a relationship by becoming pregnant or by weaving some other type of emotional spider web.
Drowning in the whirlpool of their own emotions, they turn to a rescuer who cannot swim.
for 16 the relationship took twists and turns that i would never in my wildest dreams would have believed. we won’t get into to much of that during these 30 days.
the focus of the days ahead will just be my time with God during the hard places and what i learned. and in so many ways and on deeper levels..still am learning. it wasn’t until i surrendered and let loose of my grip on control and began to really “feel” my feelings…my fears deeply layered between cycles of abuse that my own recovery began.
it is possible that many of our addictions are attempts to take the hurt out of our hinderances
beth moore – daughters of the day
the pain that was inflicted in my childhood left me a desperate teenager seeking someone who would numb my pain.
for as long as i can remember negative words have been my traveling companions and since i am a sponge i absorb everything much deeper than those say…
who let things roll off their backs
in recent years…words have become my modern day manna…my energy bar if you will
fueling my recovery from an addiction
being addicted to a living and breathing person is different from a substance. my “substance” has a heart and breathes. is the father of my children
and as much as i love him i can also hate him and the reasoning that goes back and forth as why stay with someone when it is so unhealthy is maddening!
i invested my whole being into being a mom and a wife…not only that…a “godly” one. it was all fairytale hopes and dreams.
it was unhealthy and unrealistic
and it wasn’t until i hit bottom my eyes being opened to the circular living we were doing
insanity being the game we played. it was our “normal” i was eyewitness to the pattern growing up. it was all i knew
it was in counseling that i began seeing my own childhood narrative being played out on the screen of my adult life
my children saying the same things that i used to think..but not really say
it was like eating popcorn until i was sick…knowing it made me sick i kept eating anyway until i was left vomiting my guts out..shaking over a
toilet..watching the remains spiral down
to save my life i couldn’t figure out why i couldn’t stop
i used hard and the withdraws are debilitating and more often than not .. sent me right back into the cycle
i defined myself growing up not so much by what they said but how they lived around me as a child
by others opinions of me
and at a certain age…by religion
by what i believed i had to be..to look like..to be loved and accepted
i was intimidated by men..especially men in authority. still kinda am to be honest
i had it all upside down
i lived putting all of my hopes dreams and drive into my children and my husband
in the end only to be majorly disappointed that is doesn’t work that way
these days by His grace and my willingness…God and i have been working on a recovery plan for me
one in which i get to design and define
not based on anyone else’s thinking but based in God’s truth and His love and grace
i said ENOUGH to giving my power away to everyone else
to the fear of failing and making a mistake..as if that was my only chance. it isn’t.
i stopped being dismissive and am opening myself up to God
trusting Him with this new life He is laying
letting Him be the One who fills the empty places
this maybe a little bit what these memoirs will be about
daily snapshots of pieces of my recovery and what it “looks” like
the “hows” & “whats”
i always wanted to know “how”…how do i do that God?
how do i put that verse into my real life in such heartbreaking circumstances?
i can tell you this: recovery isn’t for the faint hearted. it is for the STRONG! i used to believe i was so weak. i was even told that and i only believed those words because
deep down that is what i believed about myself so when someone told me that it was only logical that i believed it
now i know i am not weak..or stupid
i am a warrior. and i am worth fighting for.
lets begin today to just think about what life would look like if YOU believed you were really worth fighting for. only YOU can change anything
there is HOPE. always hope. i used to believe there wasn’t any hope for me..my marriage..my kids
i have/am slowly learning that God can do things in your life that you wouldn’t believe EVEN IF He told you!
while it may not end up like you thought it would…or the journey takes a different route..YOU can be OK
i have ALWAYS had a dream. God gave it to me and at 46 as i have begun to trust Him with all of me..and all of my mess
as i have been courageous and felt the fear and did it anyway…He is blessing that
i am beginning to see the “me” i always wanted to see…she looks a bit different than i thought she would…ha! she’s missing
her whole large intestine too!!…smile
i am super excited to see where this recovery finds me and my sweet family. i love them so much
but more importantly…God loves them much more than i do!