waves of adversity have been washing over me. much of them on the inside.
battling my “inner self” my own worst enemy.
i keep repeating the song “wave after wave”
and i am learning that waves that challenge my woundedness make me isolate. shut down. turn inside.
wounds that need healing
i used to believe that i couldn’t fine help outside of Jesus. by that i mean if i read a book, talked to a counselor, heard a song, a speaker
that it wasn’t “truth” and would lead me astray. that i wasn’t trusting in God enough.
enough has been a defining word for me.
your not enough and neither are people.
they aren’t worth giving your trust to
you will only fall short of their expectations
and it is painful to give trust and have it broken in a million pieces
it seems easier to be “strong” and alone. taking care of yourself.
that means your strong right?
i am now learning that God teaches me through so many ways and others stories being a powerful way that i have grown over
the last couple of years.
i am learning that people, including myself, just want to be loved and do the best they can
by finding help in Jesus i mean
spending quiet times reading the bible. ( which is totally good ) it is something i do to spend time and learn more about the One i love with all of my heart
i did that for so many years
and i have spent the last several years unlearning so many things. like rules and regulations. much of that i believe comes from the way i am wired.
i am a natural rule follower because i want to be good. to be enough. to be loved under it all really. i am like the children of israel. if i follow all of the rules
i am enough. but we all know that is impossible. and is so exhausting. and in the end it isn’t enough.
that is why God sent Jesus.
now Jesus is showing me that yes the power to process my life…for the rest of my life…comes from within. from Him. the Holy Spirit
now lives in me. His blood and breath flow through me and i think that is pretty awesome. so i have everything i need to unlearn all the protective
lies i have believed and practiced. i have been signed, sealed and delivered and am now a FREE GIRL!! i have the rest of my life to for God to LOVE ME
FULLY ALIVE. to learn who this girl really is and use the gifts that He placed in me
i read once that Jesus didn’t die to make us religious. He died to make us FREE
to be a process in healing for the rest of our life on earth
Jesus wants to heal me and i am learning that when i spend real time with Him and not try to perform. when i am open and teachable
He shows me all kinds of beautiful things. He doesn’t shame me, He speaks words of love and affirmation. He is my biggest cheerleader.
the real love i seek can ONLY be found in the One who created me. Who spoke Tiffini into being. it is His breath that puts flesh on my bones
and breathes life into me so that i can really really live.
and i am learning a whole new mind-set from the one i was fed growing up
the truth is i really don’t know “who” i am. yet
i am in the process of learning every. single. day
and all the while the waves crash over me
i am more sure than ever of the foundation of love that i have in Jesus
i don’t have a human to write a new love story in my life.can write a “love story” with
but to me this is a gift
it takes COURAGE to be known
as i turn the page of my story daily i can see me seeking to isolate. to do what feels natural but in reality is only a way i use to protect
myself so i am now able to “see” it
and with the turn of a page i can change that and take risks to be known.
to give my trust little by little to someone
i am reading Donald Miller’s new book Scary Close and i have cried through every chapter.
on page 20 he says this
” Bill said at some point i realized, whether true or not, there was something wrong with me. Either i didn’t measure up to the standards of my parents, the kids at school made fun of me, or i came to believe i was inferior. Shame, he said, caused me to hide.
“and that,” he said, ” is a problem. because the more we hide, the harder it is to be known. and we have to be known to connect.”
this made me think of the garden when adam and eve hid. their shame caused them to hide from God when He came looking for them. God wanted to
connect with the ones He loved into existence! to connect? He knew what they had done but He STILL CAME SEARCHING FOR THEM!
HE LOVED them ferociously as He loves us
their shame in doing their own thing instead of listening to God caused them to run. to hide. they didn’t want to be known.
and how does that apply to me?
is is possible that by letting shame control me that i think i am strong but in reality i am hiding and not able to connect to people
and more importantly to God?
::i now believe that to practice LIVING COURAGEOUSLY is what strong is
being strong is picking up the broken pieces and giving the to the Healer. the One that knows you and only asks
that we are willing to be known by Him. He promises us true healing. that He will make a way when there is not one.
that He will never leave us. EVER. and what if we began with every turn of life’s page to believe that we are loved.
that everyday we can live loved. that we don’t have to hide in shame. that we can begin the process of uncovering who we are
and rebuild a foundation of others just like us that want real intimacy with people and who are doing their work?
what then? can you imagine that revival that would sweep the country? the world even?
your not enough and neither are people. they aren’t worth giving your trust to you will only fall short of their expectations and it is painful to give trust and have it broken in a million pieces it seems easier to be “strong” and alone. taking care of yourself.
that means your strong right?
wrong. this is a lie from the pit of hell and will keep me performing for the rest of my life
so today i am choosing courage.
God and i have been learning about trust
He is teaching me that He is faithful.
He spoke quiet words to me over a year ago on a hard morning when tears blinded the road i was driving on
the words carved themselves into the core of my belief system that day
He said, ” give me room to prove myself faithful to you.”
and i did. i have. those words have forever changed my life
you see, i have learned to protect myself by withholding trust until it is earned. for very good reasons.
but that is also keeping me from building new relationships.
i am all in on the process of becoming healthy and whole
one day at a time
photo credit to my dear texas friend maryjo. she has been a gift to me and i can’t wait to meet her in person this year!
she text me this picture at 4:30 am this morning of our Live Courageously shirt overlooking the Mount of Olives!
she is in Israel right now. isn’t that super cool?…xo
**just being obedient to write. i have not edited any of this. just writing my thoughts much like my journal…xo
i never thought of courage as a life skill. i am learning it is. it sets me free when i choose to use it.
i thought courage was only for heroes in storybooks and movies. where you survived and killed the bad guy and won the girl.
little did i know that the really bad guy was my own “self”
and while spending time in the wee hours of the mornings with jesus was my lifeline
it was filled with so much pain. pain that was rotting my bones and i didn’t know what to do with it
pages and pages filled with words that were true but the problem was i wasn’t “doing” much of them
often when we are in the middle of chaotic living we fail to see ourselves as part of the problem.
we see others and they very well have the biggest part in the mess but
here’s what i learned
that i had power. i had a choice and when i stopped listening to what i was fed growing up..you know that yucky victim mentality
and i put the words that Paul wrote in Colossians 2:6-7 that my life began a process of turning around
My counsel for you is simple and straightforward: Just go ahead with what you’ve been given. You received Christ Jesus, the Master; now live him.
You’re deeply rooted in him. You’re well constructed upon him.
You know your way around the faith. Now do what you’ve been taught.
School’s out; quit studying the subject and start living it!
And let your living spill over into thanksgiving.
and i began what i call
the art of living courageously and i can’t wait to sit down with you all and take all of this apart so we can look at it in small bites!
(just my morning musings to be obedient to write something. no judgement please:) i am not editing these…thank you!)
if you know the source of the image please let me know so i an give credit!
good morning! how are you? i want to crawl back in my cozy bed that is how i am..
the whir of the furnace is whirring behind me as the house still sleeps.
it is me, and God and coffee
and for some reason my weekend in Seattle and my experience with lissa and the “chickens” comes to mind
and i can see her concern as the night and her signature dinner is not going as she dreamed it would
as it always does
this time was different
she had a “stranger” in her home and like us all wanted to perform well
because isn’t that what we are wired for? what we want more than anything is to be loved?
and we are most loved when we do something well
not when the chicken is done and the vegetables aren’t cooking
and the husband is past starving
and the crickets are chirping
and all the while i am sitting there watching her heart try and hold it together
trying to “save the chickens”
and realizing this isn’t going to go as planned
and i love her all the more
i love the real lissa
i loved the realness of all that transpired and you know why?
because it is the kind of things that happen in my home too
i cold relate in a thousand ways
who really cares about a carefully curated chicken when i
was building a relationship with another human being that i really really wanted to know more about?
the very thing that she may have felt i wouldn’t love if i knew
was the very thing that drew me to her
oh…and i think we are opening a small retail space very soon
and you are invited
to come and see our heart art + pretty things
follow along on instagram because that is where i hang out everyday
**this is just me being obedient to sit and write. i have not edited anything. the fact that i am sitting and writing anything is a miracle today:) please don’t judge this isn’t rocket science or saving the world…..:)