to pinpoint when we turn to “something” to ease the pain and help us deal might just not be possible.
I believe it happens in childhood and the more unstable tumultuous it is the quicker and deeper the roots of a broken heart dig deep into whatever that vice is and it becomes a hard habit and then sneaks away unnoticed leaving me with an imperceptible shadow.
I am a relationship addict. While there is no relationship anonymous that I am aware of or a rehab to go check oneself into I can stand up and say before you that I am one. It isn’t really much different than a drug addict, alcoholic, gluttony, lying, cheating, stealing, over eating, shopping, gambling, having to be perfect, and the list can go on infinitly can’t it?
I have used another person as a god in my life. In doing this it has led to a lifetime of wrong choices and the subsequent consequences that have far reaching generational effects.
After 12 years of wallowing crying out going my own way counseling and living in insanity ( doing the same thing over again expecting different results )
God really intervened.
When I pretty much reconciled that this was going to be my life. My fight was gone..for good or so I thought.
but what I think I know now in hindsight is there was a predestined time when God allowed the stars to align and blind sided me and left me a little beat up and stranded on the side of the road..carrying a rugged old suitcase..sweat mixed with dirt tear streaks but I’m walking..putting one foot in front of the other. My “go to” sources just weren’t cutting it anymore. Not even my religious ones.
My ABOUT ME has changed a little. That is what Happens when I let God and took my hands off. My husband and I separated for the fourth time September 2011. I went to a rental home and he moved into his mom’s and then God stepped in and offered a job that took him on the road and away for a couple of months at a time…TIME being the key word. Taking away his VICE that he used that he ran to when he couldn’t deal in reality.
So only a couple of months into us separating the landscape changed dramatically. For the first time we have real insurance, real paychecks and paying bills more on time.
BUT – this has left me alone carrying the weight of “life” and all it entails…things that were not mine..to deal with.
I know where the money is coming from which let me tell you…takes a big weight off. We have years of repairs to make..to mend. Reality tells me that some things can never be fixed. Somethings you just can’t take back. Some people will never choose to change. Some things are NOT fair. Pain hurts, Life hurts and LOVE hurts. Trusts really hurts…. betrayal can cut deep into the grain of a heart leaving it forever altered…but I am STILL choosing to open myself up to change. TO my ABBA that just continues to pursue me..and truth be told…even when I say NO…I really want Him to find me. Why?
Because NOW…these last months He is showing me TRUST HIS way…
He is showing me that GRACE is FREE…it is not just in the showing me it is in the hearing with the soul..with MY soul..really hearing..that God loves me just the way I am with all my anxieties, defeats, frustrations, and problems! ( from Wesley Nelson’s heart and I know his heart now:)
I don’t have to earn anything or prove my worth in anyway. These are words we all say so easy but they aren’t easy words AT ALL!
He is showing me that while I don’t like the way circumstances are right now that I can trust Him..that I understand why they are the way they are. If I want to be made more and more whole and have a hope at my marriage being healed then I will trust Him. He really does know best for me. He does. I believe that with all of my heart. I just don’t like it and I sob deep sobs when he leaves. There is that ache that throbs in my heart.
He is teaching me that dreams coming true hurt and they are HARD…sometimes on the edge hard where you just could easily step over and free fall. It is a constant choosing to trust GOD a thousand times a day…to not slip into despair.
but I won’t..why? because I’m a King’s daughter and I know it now. I’m still little and have much growing and learning to do but I am a warrior woman with a warrior’s heart. A heart that just won’t let me go…not a little girl who needs rescuing. After all – my childhood was a gift. Without it I wouldn’t be who I am becoming today and for that I am eternally grateful.
( do you take pictures of yourself on your phone? I normally do not but I was waiting for Grace at school yesterday and I was trying to take a decent one to send and I swear I tried 15 times and deleted everyone of them…finally I sent this one – the quick hair do one:)
I still pray that through all of these circumstances that Jesus you would work…I am believing You to work a miracle in our lives. I want to badly for my children to see YOU…. you are God in this world that we give lip service to you but our hearts are far from YOU. You are still alive… I have nothing to offer you today Abba.. but my love and trust. I open all I am to You and give you all my weakness….I honor You by trusting You today confessing my heart has been far from you at times while my lips moved with all the right words.
Hang on to those dreams…after all..we can still choose the road to whole and that can make all the difference in the world!
It just might be that next day where the intervention comes…
I apologize..I didn’t proof this to much. I don’t like re reading my heart and the four pictures are from my Pinterest boards:)