Monthly Archives: October 2011

weekends are for : spillin your guts or I mean heart:)

This is hard long post and I’ve rewritten it to many times.  I’m left with no choice but to bribing you to please read it with crazy pictures of myself taken by Grace.  NOT NIKKI:)

marriage is hard under normal circumstances with two relatively healthy people.  When two hearts are badly broken are stictched together it really is a tornado meeting a volcano.  When its good..it is good.  When its bad..its awful.  Choices have ripped away at the seam of our marriage and it is frayed, torn and seemingly unmendable.  We separated a little over a month ago now has an added twist..he has taken a job many states away.  He leaves tomorrow.

Two halves of a whole that God has joined together will stand on their own for the first time in 20 years.  That is a long time to be joined together. It would take a divine microscope to really see behind the heart of this family.  Years ago at our church we were called ” the fam ” .  There will be a book behind this family.  Surface doesn’t show what is buried underneath.  It is white washed but underneath are dead man’s bones.  It is ugly and has relentlessly stripped our family’s  heart. soul. and life.  After 3 times going back into an abusive cycle I have chosen to stop playing.

So what if I sobbed on the way to Hobby Lobby today

or

I cried in the car listening to a song or I go to bed at night and tell God I will never stop praying for his heart to know Him.  For his heart to turn from darkness to light.  For his hard heart to be replaced with one made of flesh that can feel the pain and repent and begin to take responsibility.  I will always love him.   I don’t love what he’s chosen.  I still hold onto to hope that he will choose life. choose God.  choose to begin a fresh with me and the kids.  There is no marriage that can’t be saved if TWO people can work together. BUT

sometimes it takes intervention, lots of counseling, time apart for the safety of the family etc.  I still believe God heals.  I also know that life doesn’t always have happy endings.  My marriage may not ever be whole like I would love.  But I can.  This is my focus now.  Me and the kids.  I have alot of healing to do myself.  Would you please pray for us? Take a minute and pray for healing of our hearts and for his salvation.  I know God can encircle me with a support system only designed in heaven.  We will be ok.  One of my biggest fears today is that he would die and not know God.  It is making it even more real with the distance.

I am choosing to move on ( not with another man…lol – just clarifying that )  Today- with such limited knowledge I think that him being so far away ( even though it leaves me alone I’ve been taken care of by a man since I was 16 ) will be a good thing.  Life is forcing me to choose to grow up or to give up.

For the first time.  In all of my life.  I will be on my own.  My heart teeters on a choking sadness that threatens to drown me at times to relief to finally be able to put the focus back on myself and the kids and begin the process of finding my authentic voice.

Why blog Tiff?  I ask myself this question after reading Pretty in Posies goodbye yesterday.  I am –  for all intents and purposes - a single mom with no job.  A chronic illness.  Trying to take care of myself from living in burnout for the last 10 years.  I have no credit left to my name.  I rent a tiny ” dainty ” she likes to be called:)  This is my reality..not a place for being a victim or feeling sorry for myself.  None of that!

My oldest daughter and I are living here with her two younger siblings  the big guy who is 17 and little bit who is 12.  So what is going to set me apart from anyone else?  I have no idea!  

But I do have a story.  I believe a very relevant story.

I can’t offer a beautiful home like BHG or the ideal family but I am going to share how we will make this dainty house our home and how this family will fight for our lives.

I won’t be going on vacations to exotic places and shopping at all the cool boutiques but what I will offer is real.  It is raw.  I know God has put me in this place at just this time to help me get out of this pit I’ve lived in my whole life and help me rebuild my heart, my life, and my home..to begin a whole new story.  This time the main character will grow up.  Will not live life in fear.  She will still have fears but they will not keep her stuck.  She will spread her brave wings and fly into the future with many bumps and bruises along the way.  But she will fly.  She will soar high above where the eagles soar.  And the wind underneath her wings will be the last breath that Jesus breathed so she could live.  and live she will.  one day at a time.  thankful for each new day as the sunrise bursts forth and trusting each circumstance that comes into her day.  looking at it as a lesson that He wants me to learn.

I have no idea 3 months from now what I will be doing.  All I know is I am loving to create.  It makes me excited to live.  He left me all of the power tools to build my signs.  I recently have been teaching myself how to sew.  I will teach myself how to build.

You see – I’ve waited at least 10 years for God to come a rescue me.  And you know what?  He was waiting on me to be ready to receive help.  Ready to believe that I can be helped.  That there is a way but I will have to forge my way through.  He is not going to make it all level and easy.  I wouldn’t learn that way.  Trust me!

I am not any of these beautiful authentic women …

Paige, Tara, Linsey, Jen, Emily, Dana, Becky or the many many other blogs that give me inspiration, courage , somedays sadly to say I can take another step because of one of them sharing their hearts.

I am me.

I have a story.  A story I’m hoping will help you in some small way.  We may not be in the same place in life..at all but the emotions can still “feel” the same right?:)

It is going to be one crazy couple of chapters while I find my bearings but I started this blog about a year ago this month I think and I am just now starting to understand what direction God is wanting me to go in.

So buckle up buttercups and get ready for some crazy excruciately hard fun times.  This little piece of my world is going to be made up like a recipe.  It goes a little something like this.

Lots of faith and trusting in Jesus

lots of heart & soul for good measure

sprinkled here and there will be

::budgeting::  re-prioritizing:: cooking & menu planning ( not the McDonald’s menu but Trader Joe’s:: daily & monthly goal planning :: refurbishing & repurposing :: sewing projects :: grand babies..lots of them;) my family in all its crazy mess :: taking you to some places  you have never been before.  Mix it all up and you have The House of Belonging…whew!

I am going to take this life and live on the breath of Jesus that gave His last breath so I could live within the boundaries of life as it is now.  I don’t want to waste a single minute more.  So let’s get started shall we?

I sure hope you will come along with me.  It will be bumpy and we may get a little battered along the way but an epic story always has to have what in it?

Yep..you guessed it – sacrifice!

Here is to the next year!

xo~tgbg

 

if you made it this far…thoughts anyone…ha ha!
 

14.   breaking new ground

15.   releasing worries each day and trusting

16.  believing that I’m a grown up

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downshifting: re-prioritizing life in crisis

 

Good evening girlies.  How has your week been so far?  yeah..I know.  Mine too:)

Along with working on living life afraid and overcoming my fear of peopleI am choosing to make a conscience decision to resist the urge to tune out.  To live life in fast forward.  I have been living in my tomorrows for way to long.  Life is going so fast I can’t take it in and process anything.  And I want to.

Tuning out myself..my needs.  My kids.  Life.  God even?  It is easier being numb to things.  To not feel but in the end .. it leaves one devoid of life, love, support, the ability to give back, to listen, to help and so on.

tuning in + taking out + giving back = peace

Here is an example from my real life this week.  I am choosing..daily.. to stay in the present as much as possible.  Throughout the day, when I find myself not listening .. thinking of what I have to do next ..  getting impatient in a line ..  running late & so on I breathe and re-focus and begin to thank God for whatever it is at the moment that I am trying to tune out.  Then I say out loud…if possible:) that I am trusting Him.  The other day I got to put this into practice after a phone call that I found out some not so good things and I put this into action.  My faith into real life!

My evenings have consisted catching upon computer work, working on things for Urban Jane Designs.  After just moving, separating, etc. it is somewhat understandable

BUT

I don’t want this to become a habit.  I want to end my work by dinner time so I am fully available for my kids.  I miss that and I know they do too.  Even as we speak I am working on a daily, weekly and monthly planning sheets that are designed for my families needs…and I’m hoping they will inspire you as well.

It is using my faith in the everyday details of my life.  I can’t say that big enough!  I am learning that this is what matters.  This is what changes everything.  Every detail.  Every time.  In everything.  I have lived my todays thinking about tomorrows.  I don’t want to do that anymore.  I am losing valuable time.  I miss way to much of life!

{Two things} I am consciencely choosing in my life to help me downshift

  1. working on my fear of people by doing at least one thing each day that scares me and writing it down
  2. resisiting the urge to tune out life by re foucusing then saying ( outloud if possible ) what I am thankful for and saying I trust God and releasing the urge to control what most likely is out of my control anyway.

 

So tell me..are you willing to allow yourself to feel your day?  To downshift to a slower pace?  What is one thing you do to slow down?

 

 

most all of the photos on this blog are from my best friend and daughter Nikki.  I wouldn’t be able to do the little I do with this blog if it were not for her.  I love you and thank you from the bottom of my crazy heart:)  I often am blown away by the talent that God gave her.  I just know there are big things in her future.

xo~tgbg

 

 

9.    learning how to use power tools..the kind with blades!

10.  preparing for him to leave to another state..far away..and that I will be ok.

11.   always saying what I need not what I think others want me to say

12.   to say no

13.   to say yes

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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one thing I’m doing to help me live life afraid & a gift

{ a little gift for you below }

Listening to my circumstances has been like holding my ear up to a conch shell. Just as one has to stop and be very still and quiet to hear the ocean.  I too..am having to stop and be very still and quiet to hear what is being spoken into my life.  This fear of people is a tourniquet stopping the life flow.

After writing my post on Fear of People and the comments I don’t think I’m the only one who lives with this.  Last week  I visited my first ever Lulumon store ( while I was @ Trader Joe’s ) and you all know these manifesto bags right?  Well..I copied this quote and am pasting at the end of each of my post.

Inspired by the Lulumon shopper and Becky & Tara’s grateful lists at the end of each post I am doing something similar…only mine will be an ongoing list of things I do that scare me.  It will be @ the bottom of every post.

With persistent perseverance I will begin to loosen fears grip on my life and embrace living on the perimeter of my comfort zone.  I believe that is where Jesus really calls us to experience Him.  On the perimeter of the known & unknown.  It is titillating almost…this risk.  What if it is so much more than I could imagine.   What if I’m not who I think I am?  I’ve chosen to allow other to create me?  Now – I can create me.  Pleasing no one other than Him.  That is all that is really asked of any of us isn’t it?

What about you?

Do you long to live on the edge of life but like me, you allow fear to keep you from real living?
or are you a risk taker and live life right on the edge? If so – we need to talk..ha!:)
 
my prayer for you today…

MY DAILY ONGOING LIST OF AT LEAST ONE THING I’VE DONE THAT SCARES ME

5.  talked to my LL..stood my ground
6.  said no to being a little girl & yes to being a grown up women yesterday
7.  asked my own questions
8.  drew a boundary..risked someone being upset..asking for what I needed
 
 Love these girls…going to hang out over with Jen & the SDGgirls.  Won’t you come too?
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