Monthly Archives: October 2011

{giants}::staying or stepping

 

as I wring my hands and bite the sides of my cheeks. I contemplate this edge.  I can stay in Sanctuary or I can step across the border.  head out to Canaan.  I stand in much the same place as Ordinary.  I too, can see the hill country.  It is much different than I’d imagined.  It takes my breath away.  It calls out to me.  Loudly.  I can feel You arms around me.  Standing behind me..Your very presence palpable as I vacillate.  You know me well don’t You?  I smile.  I love that about You Father that You know me so well.

 The giants look the same I tell Him.  10 years.  Has it been that long?  Yes..He smiles and His love crumbles me in a heap of deep sobs seeing my unbelief that You couldn’t help me kill the giants.  And I ran.  I ran back to where it was safe and I got very comfortable in my sickness and I hardened my heart to You.  Shame smothers me and the sobs that wrack me run tears into the ground..my heart being forced from hiding by the pain of my heart and my circumstances. Exposed I lie there in the presence of His Love Light, shames shadow as fear circles around me like a ravenous animal..starving from days on end without food.  Time goes by.  Like a heroine addict for her next fix my pain found no relief in anything worldly.

my fingers tore through the flesh of my chest…tearing through tissue, bone and cartilage until the pulsating heat stopped them…a searing heat tore through me and panic sought to overcome me but an inch further and I hit bone and with everything in me I pulled with both hands..the cracking of splintering bone opening my chest..blood spilling..flesh ripping .. arching in pain I lay there..a film of sweat covering me as fought to breathe..

finally with the little strength I had left…I gave Him my heart.  All of it.  Take it.  Your medicine is what I need.

All I could hear was my heart pulsing in my ears.  I felt His love take my hands out of my chest and He then ever so gently placed His hands all around my heart and the pain stopped and my body relaxed into His love.   My chest tore open right there on the edge of Sanctuary…I turned my head to look again at the hill country.  I could feel His love pulling the needle and thread through my flesh.

I heard Him speaking so I turned my head to look full in His face..the love anesthtizing me ..taking me deeper.  and I slept.  Time.  Time is what I heard Him speaking as I drifted into dreams in color.

Yes the giants are still there.  They haven’t changed.  They are stationed..ready for me to face them.  If I want to enter into the Hill Country I have no choice.  Dear child – you’ve changed.  You have chosen the gifts of the Wasteland.  They were not wasted.  I’m holding them here in My hand.  Do you see them?  I nodded my head yes.  My eyes struggled to focus on them but I could see their outline.  I could make out different shapes.  One in particular was glittering iridescently.  

“every place the sole of your foot will tread upon I have given you..I will not leave you or forsake you” was in the color blue.  and I smiled.

and I dreamed … that my belief was like that stone that the boy David killed the giant with.  A miracle was executed that day.  And when I saw what the purpose of that story was that You would be known…and honored…I wept tears of repentance.  A gift I’ve shown you child.  Time has shown you this.  Giants have a purpose not just for you but for Me.  I want others to know Me.  I choose the weak things of the world to do exploits through.

As I lay there in the coma of His Light Love.  He meticulously worked.  The last thoughts I remember are

thinking story after story of You and your people – they are weary – stuck with no other way out of their pain…but they believe

in the face of that giant… for a miracle.

as I lay here in your Love Light..in the name of the only One who can .. I invite You to do a miracle in my life and the lives of these precious women.

In Jesus name::

belief is just the perfect stone to defeat the giant…

::and there was a holy silence::

 

xo~tgbg

32.   to allow my heart to be seen in its entirety

33.   to choose to please You and not myself

34.   to cast the stone

image here

 

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the great food blogger cookie swap:: { join me?}

I don’t know about you all but I have a huge sweet tooth.  It is one way I deal with stress..:)  I saw this Cookie Swap and I thought…now that would be fun.  I need some fun AND I want to give.  I see this as an opportunity for 4 things:

  1. using some of those recipe’s I pin on Pinterest
  2. spending some good ol’ quality time with Grace
  3. giving & receiving AND meeting some new friends
  4. indulging my sweet tooth….grin:)

Would you like to join us?  I just thought of ya’ll and wanted to invite ya.  Click here for all the details.  I know there is a deadline.  I think it is today.  yikes!  better go fast.

 

The Great Food Blogger Cookie Swap

 

To choose my 3 recipe’s I went to THE best source for cookies..have you been there?  Picky Palate. Yumminess in pictures:)

Here are my 3 choices..

itty bitty oreo stuffed chocolate chip cookies

peanut butter butterscotch chippers

 brownie batter chocolate chip cookies

do you  have a favorite cookie recipe that you use around the holidays?
 

Happy Friday girlies…praying it is infused with joy!

xo~tgbg

31.   answered with ‘my reality’.  didn’t play the game.

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true love waits::{a ring}

I am still someone’s wife.  reconciliation. restoring. healing.  or not..whatever happens.  I wait.

I’ve learned the hard way that there are things as a married person that are not ours to give away.  NO matter what the other person has done. Today,  and I pray for the rest of my life –  that no matter what happens that I remember who’s my stuff really is and that I only give it in health.  I remember that there are eyes watching me.  I teach my children about life by how I live mine.  I have many sad stories.

But this..this is the promise that I now have and I hold tight to it each and everyday: God honors obedience and I want to please Him.

so while I wait..I wear this ring to remind me that I’m someone’s girl…and I’m Someone’s girl…I am learning that I am worth waiting for and worth being treated with respect.  I am also worth learning how to treat others with respect and to wait for them.

 

I haven’t worn my wedding ring in several years.  We bought this purity ring for Grace’s 12th birthday this year.  I am thinking about buying me one. My thinking of it is neutral ring showing that I am committed to purity in my marriage…separated or not.   Committed to purity in my relationship with God.  In my younger days I have reacted out of my fears and insecurities making bad choices.   Not today.  

 

A ring is also a visual reminder not only for me…but others that I am taken.  My heart is taken.  What I have belongs to me and my husband. For me…separation to me is not a license to play.  For me.  Until that permanently changes I am committing my mind and heart to only focus on falling more in love with Jesus,changing myself, focusing on my dream by making a plan and living it and children.

true love waits: even if our relationship is never truly reconciled..I have a Husband who will never leave or forsake me and that makes me want to jump up and down with joy!

I would love to know what you think:  is marriage and purity..married or not..valued anymore today?

xo~tgbg

31.   learning from my daughter the things I have been wanting to

32.   still trusting each day..one day at a time..by the minutes

 

 

 

 

 

 

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dreams::{stop wishing}

In hindsight I realize my marriage separation was stepping through a Wall of Fear.  The pain I am feeling in my heart is blood rushing to the dead places.  Making alive again!  The dirt is caked under the cracks and crevices of my heart.  My heart needs washing in the Water.  I opened the door expecting to see what was written in my mind only today experiencing a different landscape. I wrestled last week with depression but this time..I didn’t do it alone.  I had courage with me.  I had God’s presence with me.  I can see some of the purpose in it all now.  At the end of the week He showed me that these last 10 years or so have been a wasteland..

a time of  preparation so that today I can begin living my dream!   My landscape has changed to a Sanctuary.  I am spiritually, emotionally & physically depleted.  I need to be filled, washed and restored.  He makes me lie down beside still waters.  This is one of the gifts of my landscape right now.  Time.  Time to be in His presence where the last traces of the Wasteland can be washed away.  A time of slowing down and being restored.

Contentment

Surrender

Obedience

three words that surfaced last week.  They are hard words for me.  But I want to choose them.

For the first time I have written my dream down on paper.  I’ve carried this dream in embryo form all of these years.  It is scary to write down your dream.  It looms impossible doesn’t it?  I’ve picked up The Dream Giver after 10 years?  It spoke to my heart in a fresh new way.  I’m ready to hear it now.  I am still struck silent by what I think God is doing .. it is almost to big to even believe.  

I am choosing to live my dream from this day forward..not just live my life.  I choose to please Him not myself or others.  There is a dream that only I can fill.  I can’t wait to scribble it all down here.

Did you know there is a dream that you were made to fill?  one that is just for you?  you have had it since you were little. 
What have you always wanted to do but didn’t because life got in the way?  it is scary to write out isn’t it?
 
 

xo~tgbg

 
29.   choosing the dream
30.   fighting the giant..depression
 
image my pinterest

 

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what do you do with the worry of *getting older*

While on the treadmill the other day..huffing & puffing..asking myself why I am doing this..since turning 40 I’ve had to work at it with regular exercise & watching what I eat.  My skin is looser from having 5 babies, wrinkles are surfacing, aches & pains where there weren’t any just 10 years ago, night sweats replace ‘late nights’ and looking at myself naked…let’s face it.  It just ain’t the same!  We all do it.  Stand in front of the mirror and do a once over and more often than not bemoan the way we look.  Am I right?

I think we all struggle with this in some way whether we are skinny or over weight?  It is a heart issue.

As we age we might worry a wee bit more about whether or not we’re desirable.  And what in the world does that mean today anyway?

Guess it depends by who’s standard we hold ourselves up to?   Does my husband still find my lines, extra 10 lbs, sagging skin and boobs still desirable , or if we were to begin dating again.. at my age.. do men really look at a woman’s heart containing her values, morals, goals, dreams & passions or do they look

::

at only what the naked eye can see?  and what does that mean to me?  to us as women?

The divorce rate and adultery rates tell me that it is more than just what one looks like right?

for me, as a woman of faith, the bible tells me ( my paraphrase )

don’t just pay attention to what you look like on the outside
make  yourself attractive by the good things you do..beauty fades but the inner woman – she
grows more and more beautiful.  The heart overflows through the eyes…the ugly & pretty

the TV..magazines..Internet.. pummels us with negative marketing that sex appeal is what is desirable.  It seeks to make us buy into what we are supposed to think { who are we to allow media to think for us? } we are to look/be like…instead of *who* we need to be becoming.  It works doesn’t it?

your not skinny enough instead of focusing on fitness for your body type
your boobs aren’t the right shape, neither is your butt
your hair is not the right color or length
you don’t wear the right clothes..you don’t smell right and you don’t chew the
right gum to make your teeth white enough..you get the idea:)

It is an internal tug of war for sure.  Each one of us have to fight not to settle for something that fades.

I’m just curious …
have you settled and saying…this is as good as it gets..oh well, why not?
or
are you fighting to hold onto something that is slipping away..changing.  Maybe you’ve gone to extremes and would
like to feel more balanced in your approach to aging.
or
how do you handle these thoughts when they enter your mind?
 

more to come …

 

~xo – tgbg

28.   made two phone calls

 

 

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