let the holy spirit prepare you

I vacillate between wanting to tell the whole story or breaking it down in the present with bite size pieces. There is 11 years of history that he re-writes that by me choosing to continue has caused a situation much like this…“left untreated it leads to multiple relationship breakdowns, nervous breakdown, career breakdowns and can see it’s victim (the narcissist) end up in jail or on the street and their family disjointed and in tatters.”

(via happyharry101)photo credit here

so I write the today. in a bite size portion.

I woke to the thought of joy that my:) Paula reminds me of.  My feet the floor with thoughts going back and forth about where we will live and if I should ask…

the house sits quiet and I run water and talk and the tears fall hard.  And I thank Him for this time of quiet and He has this word.  God is preparing His heroes….let the  Holy Spirit prepare you”. I’m reminded. Again. that the purpose is really about me. my heart.  I’m the one open to change.  looking at my own folly and how I’ve reacted to my fool and if I want wholeness and to live life contented alone…remaining married even while separated.  until.  then I must choose to allow Him access to my heart.  I want to choose to be a fully functioning, healthy godly woman.

forgiveness. To release the right to punish.  I do not have that right but I can let go.  trusting that God will do the right things.  I am praying for some new strategies to old battles..picking up this book today that I purchased back in 2001.  10 years ago!  I read it but didn’t apply much to my life.  Now is the time. This is a book that is biblically sound for dealing with our situation.

praying for wisdom in following through with new strategies.

overcome evil with good

detach

speak the truth…even if only for myself

pray for direction coming from God

He is the God of miracles and He can be trusted

and so I allow Him inside and feels as if He is reaching down deep into my belly and shaking His hand inside but it is through His words…it does press down through skin, vessels and bone and marrow down to where the pulse throbs from the wound being picked at constantly and it festers and He presses it out with the oil of forgiveness…His forgiveness.  He wraps it in love.  I’m raw honest with Him.  Knowing He sees me and it is sweet pain released and it empties out into His hands and I can feel it ebb from my body.  and I did say even though the fig tree doesn’t blossom… yet I will praise Him…He prepares my feet to stand

He is still raising up heroes…

 

 

 

**I will only share my journey on this blog and never in a way to put down my husband.  We have been going through this for around 12 years.  We have had counseling..much.  Sometimes – as hard as we hope, pray and try to change them a marriage isn’t restored.  Sometimes – in real life – we ( I ) have to choose the path of life and wholeness for my well being and that of my children.  I always have and always will pray for true repentance that leads to salvation.  I will never speak much about him but I am chronicling my exodus from co-dependence to a whole hearted daughter of God.  My prayer is that someday I can turn around and with compassion and real life tools help others women in this hard place.  I have to choose to believe there really is a way out of a situation where there really seems to be no way.  I thank you for your prayers and encouragement.  I am in a marathon and not a sprint that is for sure.  It is going to get harder in the near future.  I know.  I am encouraged by your support of words and prayer and that God is able.  So I move forward.  Thank you for listening to my yuck…I love you all.

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Glenda Childers - I have heard wonderful things about Jan S. And I really respect Kay Arthur. Glad you are finding help in some solid books with truth in them.

Praying for you this morning, Tiffini.

Fondly,

Glenda

Becky @ Farmgirl Pai - I've never heard of this book. Thank you for sharing Tiffini. Isn't it wonderful when God uses people to help us in life! Making a mental bookmark for one to read.

kerrie - You don't have to share everything, not even bits. We can pray and love you without knowing. After reading this Isaiah 45 came to mind.

Cindy - Thank you for sharing – and even adding a detail of which relationship is causing the struggle…codependency is a tough issue to walk through (smiling – I KNOW it is). Bravo to you for choosing health and wholeness…and who knows what God will do down the road…but living in the present is what He does call us to…to worship Him in the truth and reality of what our life is today…and I see you doing that each and every day! Even when it is hard…even when you don't see what the end will look like…praying you feel His comforting arms around you especially today!

Tia - It's amazing how much God shows us when we are most vulnerable. Let him guide you even though it may be somewhere we don't want and tears are involved. He loves us and only wants the best for us. He will only lead us to the best. He is always faithul. Always. Thank you for your honest heart Tiffini and that even when you are going through something you still bless and ecourage others. You are an inspiration!

kerrie - Have you ever read Secrets Of The Secret Place by Bob Sorge? It is one of my favorite spiritual books. If you haven't, I encourage you to get it…I think it would speak to your intense heart seeking God. ox

Amy Sullivan - T,

Your words already help women in "hard places". . .thank you for bravely sharing them.

Melissa - My heart aches with yours, Tiffini. I know well the path of choosing forgiveness…the one where wounds come, sometimes like a storm, and you think you won't survive, but for the sweet hovering of His wings that hold you close as you pour out your soul, all the while knowing that there is no other way to be free than to surrender and let Him have it all. I know the ache of lonely and the need for Jesus to be my all. He promises, weeping shall last for a night, but joy! Joy comes in the morning. Joy comes when you least expect it. Joy comes sometimes when the tears are still falling. Joy comes and somehow you know you can make it through another day. I pray this for you, JOY! Joy that overshadows the sorrow. Joy that gives you strength. Joy that rises up and brings healing to your heart and everyone you love. May the joy of Jesus shine bright on your days and nights. Love and blessings!

Paula - Tiffini, I know that this wasn't easy! Thank you for being willing to ask for prayer for yourself and open it up to others out there that might be in need. Unasked prayers going up for all the hurting families out there that need healing. Praying that you are feeling better my friend! XOXO

Jen - Do you know how many times I wish you lived next door? So I could just grab you and take you to coffee and just love on your sweet soul? Today is one of those times.

misty - today has been a sad, sad day and everywhere i look I am reminded (By God himself) to trust HIM. To count on HIM. To esteem Him… and then I get to your post… Thank you… I am but a work in progress and only the Lord can work in me in way which ends in beauty…

Stephanie Clayton - Sweet dear Tiffini, I wish I had the perfect words to say that would wrap all your wounds, ease your pain, and have you waking up tomorrow feeling healed and released from this bondage. But I don't, I am not the bondage breaker. But…I will share what I do know. So many times I laid on the floor, flooding it with tears, asking God to take the pain away, and hoping to hop up off that floor suddenly filled with joy…never happened. But…something else did. If God would have instantly releived my pain in those moments, He never would have been able to mold my heart into what He continues to mold it into today, a woman that NEEDS her Jesus. So…thankful that He provides healing just in little bits each day, rather than a whammo with a magic wand. If He had whammo'ed me with that wand…I wouldn't be who He has called me to be. The same for you my dear…you already do…and will continue to touch the hearts of so many women. We have to walk it sometimes before we can help others…and I know that is the case for you dear one. I LOVE YOU!!! DEARLY I LOVE YOU! and think of you often…He is building a rock up under you for you to stand on, a platform like no other, I know it is tough…but try and enjoy the rise to freedom and new heights of the mountain God has made for you…it brings you closer to Him, the bondage breaker.

LLH Designs - Tiff, I am inspired to encourage you with a promise from Scripture: that the Spirit is interpreting your groans and cries before the Father. Every single grown from deep down in your belly is heard and understood. Sometimes that deep groan from the deepest hurting place is all we have. And it is good.

Love you,
Linsey

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