Monthly Archives: April 2011

let the holy spirit prepare you

I vacillate between wanting to tell the whole story or breaking it down in the present with bite size pieces. There is 11 years of history that he re-writes that by me choosing to continue has caused a situation much like this…“left untreated it leads to multiple relationship breakdowns, nervous breakdown, career breakdowns and can see it’s victim (the narcissist) end up in jail or on the street and their family disjointed and in tatters.”

(via happyharry101)photo credit here

so I write the today. in a bite size portion.

I woke to the thought of joy that my:) Paula reminds me of.  My feet the floor with thoughts going back and forth about where we will live and if I should ask…

the house sits quiet and I run water and talk and the tears fall hard.  And I thank Him for this time of quiet and He has this word.  God is preparing His heroes….let the  Holy Spirit prepare you”. I’m reminded. Again. that the purpose is really about me. my heart.  I’m the one open to change.  looking at my own folly and how I’ve reacted to my fool and if I want wholeness and to live life contented alone…remaining married even while separated.  until.  then I must choose to allow Him access to my heart.  I want to choose to be a fully functioning, healthy godly woman.

forgiveness. To release the right to punish.  I do not have that right but I can let go.  trusting that God will do the right things.  I am praying for some new strategies to old battles..picking up this book today that I purchased back in 2001.  10 years ago!  I read it but didn’t apply much to my life.  Now is the time. This is a book that is biblically sound for dealing with our situation.

praying for wisdom in following through with new strategies.

overcome evil with good

detach

speak the truth…even if only for myself

pray for direction coming from God

He is the God of miracles and He can be trusted

and so I allow Him inside and feels as if He is reaching down deep into my belly and shaking His hand inside but it is through His words…it does press down through skin, vessels and bone and marrow down to where the pulse throbs from the wound being picked at constantly and it festers and He presses it out with the oil of forgiveness…His forgiveness.  He wraps it in love.  I’m raw honest with Him.  Knowing He sees me and it is sweet pain released and it empties out into His hands and I can feel it ebb from my body.  and I did say even though the fig tree doesn’t blossom… yet I will praise Him…He prepares my feet to stand

He is still raising up heroes…

 

 

 

**I will only share my journey on this blog and never in a way to put down my husband.  We have been going through this for around 12 years.  We have had counseling..much.  Sometimes – as hard as we hope, pray and try to change them a marriage isn’t restored.  Sometimes – in real life – we ( I ) have to choose the path of life and wholeness for my well being and that of my children.  I always have and always will pray for true repentance that leads to salvation.  I will never speak much about him but I am chronicling my exodus from co-dependence to a whole hearted daughter of God.  My prayer is that someday I can turn around and with compassion and real life tools help others women in this hard place.  I have to choose to believe there really is a way out of a situation where there really seems to be no way.  I thank you for your prayers and encouragement.  I am in a marathon and not a sprint that is for sure.  It is going to get harder in the near future.  I know.  I am encouraged by your support of words and prayer and that God is able.  So I move forward.  Thank you for listening to my yuck…I love you all.

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daring to praise even when I don’t feel like it

Praise will still open fountains in the desert, when murmuring will only bring us judgement, and even prayer may fail to reach the fountains of blessing.  There is nothing that pleases the Lord so much as praise….daring to praise Him even for those trials which are but blessings in disguise?  Streams in the Desert

The call shattered into my already depleted and pain wracked body and soul. The facade I wear..the smile of everything is ok is so normal and comfortable I forget I’m wearing it…until I get home and the door rolls down and I secretively pray that nobody sees me and talks.  I want to go hide.  not forever just for a bit.  I wallow for just a bit and the tears finally come and I admit I’m mad at You…but I know You know that. When is it going to ..How is a momma ..hemmed on every side to the naked human eye to find a way when there is no way?..and I fight.  I hear myself talking to myself…choose joy Tiffini…be thankful.  I’ve got a cold on top of my infusion and at least my baby doesn’t have cancer and even though I hate my side bangs my hair isn’t falling out and Oh God the human flesh sears with its ugly.  Can’t I just discard it?  and I sleep. All I really want is

To be left alone…

photo credit

and I check email this afternoon and this is what I read.  And He knows what I really need. Is this really real?  do women really do this?  I want to give this to others and deep down…I really don’t want to be alone.  I want this.  Community.  and thankfulness i could “feel” entered.  I have this.  Women friends who speak life to me.  With no strings of judgement.  I’m hurting and have been since I can remember.  I don’t want to hurt like this forever.  I know there are other women who hurt.  In different ways than mine but hurt feels the same doesn’t it? Can – and are we – helping each other or making the hurt deeper by our unwillingness to give grace…I ask myself?

You have been hurt by women. I could see the pain in your eyes… And I’ve never done this before but… I feel prompted to make you a promise of friendship.”

I promise I will never speak an unkind word to or about you. I will never be jealous of you. I will never compete with you. I will never abandon or betray you. I will love you. I will pray for you. I will do all I can to help you go far and wide in the Kingdom.

I will accept you as you are, always. I will be loyal to you. Before our loving God of grace, you have my words and my heart in friendship for this life and forever with Him.”  from A Holy Experience  “How hurting women can help each other heal”.

Today, in this moment, daring to praise Him for the way in which there is no way…but by and through Him.

Thank you for being a friend,

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write it on a cuff

 

The next best thing to a tattoo.  I’m a late bloomer in the blogging world because everyone knows Becki from Farmgirl Paints. When Becki guest posted for me I got her..her heart.  Her words are contagious.  You always are spoken to when visiting.    Becki is not trying to be something she’s not, not trying to compete at any expense.  She is a real girl sharing her real life.  I value that.  I relate to that.    She is living out the dreams that God has placed in her heart and she calls us to join her in searching the soul.    With integrity, with attention to the little things like this cuff she crafted just for ME!

 

A couple of months ago this verse jumped out at me.  To get to the point it was as if God was saying….Don’t try to ” understand” just believe and you will see the glory of God.  I’ve always had to or wanted to understand things.

I wear it everyday.  I wear it as a daily reminder.  It is so much more special because I love the lady behind the cuff.  The one that crafted it with love and thought of me as she did so.  I was so in love with the packaging that I wanted to share some of it as well.  She is a joy and I would love it if you all would visit and her and perhaps have a cuff made with a word or verse that has spoken to your heart in this season of life.

It’s the little things that mean the most.

I have a deep soul sister that I love.  One who encourages me with words and scripture and just speaks to the deepest pains in my heart.  She is going through her own health issues right now and I would love it if you would pray for courage and strength for her and if you feel so led…would you send her an email and encourage her @ paulaschaffin@gmail.com?

Lord, help us to see that our well-being is inextricable bound to the well-being of our neighbor.  Our sorrows are shared.  Our longings are shared. Our fears are shared.  Enable us also to share compassion, patience, and courage today.  Amen.  ( Common Prayer)

 

Happy Monday

XO,


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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choose & word women wednesday linkup

 

the lyrics of the song stir hard the heart.  even in the dark I know He is here.  i choose to believe.  the treasures of the dark He will show.  i pull my knees in harder to my chest squeezing tight the eyes.  i choose as one day rolls into the next and turns the seasons and the years and my hair is gray and deep longing settles.  the memories beckon like phantom beings swirling about my mind like and the fig tree bears no fruit that my naked eyes can see.  even though.  i choose.  not one foot until you come with me.  i will not go this time.  how will anyone know I am yours?  it is still night and they sang praises and the jail bars broke

the praises went before … the secret place i storm.  i beat hard.  i am tired.  and my sisters who grace drew walk beside me.  even in the dark glory..even in the dark..glory to God.  even if all else fails your faithful love will be enough. O Abba my little girl hearts cries out to grab His neck tight.  protect me.  He hears me and my heart is rent sore.  my Daddy loves me and thinks i’m beautiful.  in the dark He shows me.  light a deep fire in our hearts that we burn for you until you come.  i choose You.

 

After consulting the people, the king appointed singers to walk ahead of the army, singing to the Lord and praising him for his holy splendor. This is what they sang:

“Give thanks to the Lord;
his faithful love endures forever!”

At the very moment they began to sing and give praise, the Lord caused the armies of Ammon, Moab, and Mount Seir to start fighting among themselves.  { 2 Chronicles 20: 21& 22 }

 

XO,


 

ok ladies…go ahead and linkup.  The linky will be open until Thursday at midnight central time.  Please be sure to put a link back to here…the House of Belonging.  Visit here and there when you can.  Share the love.  I have a writing deadline and it is my first one so I am FULL of anxiety;) but I will get around to everyone I promise!  Thank you so much for being my friend. Happy Wednesday you precious Word women!

photo credit: my granddaughter’s piggies:)

 

 

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it’s in the choosing

Lately, I’m wanting to eat junk,  stay in bed and throw the covers over my head, thinking I’m fat, fighting not to listen to the lies whispered in my ear, looking more of what I don’t have than what I do have, I’m not praying enough, laundry piling high, deadlines, unknown answers, not wanting to exercise and it is a fact of life that the other shoe really does fall. when it rains it pours. and oftentimes things don’t ever change.

I just want to have a big ol’ pity party

 

but I choosing not to at least not today.  He’s told me to station myself and stand and that I don’t have to fight this battle.  He will. and I’m just a teensy bit unsettled about this.  I’m used to doing SOMETHING.  but I want to trust Him.  He desires me to.

I’ve got lots of things to share with you all.  I can’t wait to go visit everyone.  I’ve got a story brewing, pictures of grand babies to share, a cuff that I have been wearing everyday that I LOVE, my shop…but lots of life happening so I am just letting things be. but I am watching.

hands giving back in thanks that I can choose to change. Do you ever go through times where you have to be intentional in not falling into self pity?  or the battle intensifies when our hearts really desire God?

Please pray for Gabi Tomorrow she begins her second round of chemo.  She’s a fighter.  You can click on her picture up there in the right hand corner to read more…thank you thank you for your comments on moving.  They keep me moving forward.  Glenda – I got trash bags today:)

I am sharing words and heart with the SDG girls over at Finding Heaven….

Finding Heaven

XO,

 

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