Meet Stephanie..a woman who has the courage to be imperfect. It is our vulnerability that makes us beautiful. That connects us to each other. May this just be the story for others to bare to be beautiful.
We are imperfect and wired for struggle BUT we are worthy of love & belonging so let’s take a step to let go with all of our hearts…of what we think we should be in order to be who we are
Photo Credit here
I often don’t have words to describe my journey over the past several years. There have been good parts, and bad parts, breathless parts, and joy filled parts, nervous parts, and closed off parts, happy parts, and sad parts. But, over all the word “parts” just seems to fit. Parts, pieces of a whole, or parts, things that can be divided or separated, or even joined back together again. Parts are really very versatile things.
For quite a while, I lived my life somewhat compartmentalized. There were the parts that I showed publicly, and the parts that only existed privately. The parts I showed my kids, my husband, my parents, my friends, my coworkers. Some of these parts stretched across multiple roles, and some parts existed in just one. It was only when some of the parts I preferred to keep private starting oozing out into the public parts that I began to struggle. It seemed that things that I had always been able to keep a lid on, were now jumping and bursting to get out of their box. And so began the fight to keep them down! They were like disobedient dogs that kept jumping on my leg, and no matter how much I told them to stop jumping, they just jumped longer and higher. I panicked.
And when I say I panicked, I mean it literally. I literally started having full on frequent panic attacks. This is when I sought counseling for what I called “performance anxiety”. Which eventually led to the realization that the part of me that I had kept hidden for 12 years, the date rape, it was the culprit.
After it happened, I was 15 at the time, the division began. I quickly learned how to wall things off into their own cells. It seemed like an excellent skill. No one could hurt me, because they didn’t have access to my inner parts, only the surface parts. But it all got so confusing, the parts kept dividing and dividing until I could no longer figure out what I was supposed to be to who and where and when. Stephanie, who’s that? She was completely buried in the charade, and I didn’t even know who I was anymore.
The process of counseling, I’m not going to doll it up, it was excruciating. It was like surgery that you had to stay awake for. Wounds were cleaned out, infections had to be removed, things were cut open, others forced shut, and the whole time I felt more alone than I had ever felt before despite the friends and family surrounding me. It was rough.
But in the end, the parts became a whole. Not the made up parts, the parts others wanted me to be, the people pleasing parts, the self loathing parts, the phony parts – those had to be removed. But the real parts, the ones that were there that I didn’t want to own, the ones that I thought I had lost, and the ones who make me myself, those got to stay. God continues to form them into something more beautiful than I ever imagined. These parts aren’t perfect, but they are unique and custom designed by the King of Kings, and that’s what makes them beautiful. No more disjointed living. No more flailing on the floor wondering which parts go where while reading directions in a foreign language. God put me back together. He had to do some breaking, but He put me back together.
Father, I pray for the women reading this post, if there are any parts that they have abandoned, please show them the beauty you see in the parts they see as ugly. No more disjointed living God, unite us as a whole within ourselves, and unite us as a whole with each other so that we can do the work you have called us to do. You are amazing. I love you! In Jesus Name, Amen.
Do you have parts you’d like to linkup today…something that is imperfect but God has made beautiful? a way in which you were vulnerable? or courageous? Just linkup your post exact URL…you know the drill:) I put the WWW button in the post today. No perfection allowed here … so no pressure. no guilt OK? Let’s just keep finding each other & connecting ok?
to enter — leave a comment and then head over to Stephanie’s on Friday to see if you won! She is going to use a random number picker to choose one of you warrior WORD women…can’t wait to see who wins…