Meet Stephanie..a woman who has the courage to be imperfect. It is our vulnerability that makes us beautiful. That connects us to each other. May this just be the story for others to bare to be beautiful.
We are imperfect and wired for struggle BUT we are worthy of love & belonging so let’s take a step to let go with all of our hearts…of what we think we should be in order to be who we are
Brene Brown
Photo Credit here
Parts
I often don’t have words to describe my journey over the past several years. There have been good parts, and bad parts, breathless parts, and joy filled parts, nervous parts, and closed off parts, happy parts, and sad parts. But, over all the word “parts” just seems to fit. Parts, pieces of a whole, or parts, things that can be divided or separated, or even joined back together again. Parts are really very versatile things.
For quite a while, I lived my life somewhat compartmentalized. There were the parts that I showed publicly, and the parts that only existed privately. The parts I showed my kids, my husband, my parents, my friends, my coworkers. Some of these parts stretched across multiple roles, and some parts existed in just one. It was only when some of the parts I preferred to keep private starting oozing out into the public parts that I began to struggle. It seemed that things that I had always been able to keep a lid on, were now jumping and bursting to get out of their box. And so began the fight to keep them down! They were like disobedient dogs that kept jumping on my leg, and no matter how much I told them to stop jumping, they just jumped longer and higher. I panicked.
And when I say I panicked, I mean it literally. I literally started having full on frequent panic attacks. This is when I sought counseling for what I called “performance anxiety”. Which eventually led to the realization that the part of me that I had kept hidden for 12 years, the date rape, it was the culprit.
After it happened, I was 15 at the time, the division began. I quickly learned how to wall things off into their own cells. It seemed like an excellent skill. No one could hurt me, because they didn’t have access to my inner parts, only the surface parts. But it all got so confusing, the parts kept dividing and dividing until I could no longer figure out what I was supposed to be to who and where and when. Stephanie, who’s that? She was completely buried in the charade, and I didn’t even know who I was anymore.
The process of counseling, I’m not going to doll it up, it was excruciating. It was like surgery that you had to stay awake for. Wounds were cleaned out, infections had to be removed, things were cut open, others forced shut, and the whole time I felt more alone than I had ever felt before despite the friends and family surrounding me. It was rough.
But in the end, the parts became a whole. Not the made up parts, the parts others wanted me to be, the people pleasing parts, the self loathing parts, the phony parts – those had to be removed. But the real parts, the ones that were there that I didn’t want to own, the ones that I thought I had lost, and the ones who make me myself, those got to stay. God continues to form them into something more beautiful than I ever imagined. These parts aren’t perfect, but they are unique and custom designed by the King of Kings, and that’s what makes them beautiful. No more disjointed living. No more flailing on the floor wondering which parts go where while reading directions in a foreign language. God put me back together. He had to do some breaking, but He put me back together.
Father, I pray for the women reading this post, if there are any parts that they have abandoned, please show them the beauty you see in the parts they see as ugly. No more disjointed living God, unite us as a whole within ourselves, and unite us as a whole with each other so that we can do the work you have called us to do. You are amazing. I love you! In Jesus Name, Amen.
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Do you have parts you’d like to linkup today…something that is imperfect but God has made beautiful? a way in which you were vulnerable? or courageous? Just linkup your post exact URL…you know the drill:) I put the WWW button in the post today. No perfection allowed here … so no pressure. no guilt OK? Let’s just keep finding each other & connecting ok?
GIVEAWAY INFO!
to enter — leave a comment and then head over to Stephanie’s on Friday to see if you won! She is going to use a random number picker to choose one of you warrior WORD women…can’t wait to see who wins…
Stephanie,
Thank you for bravely sharing your story. This is so well-written. I must say one of the reasons I enjoy reading your words is because you either really make me think (like now!) or you really crack me up (like over at your blog with the big girl panties comment).
T,
Love that you do this. I know I don't link-up, but I always enjoy your guests. Thank you for hosting.
Amy, that is such a compliment coming from you – you always blow me away with your writing and your amazingly generous spirit!!!
Tiff, It is such a priviledge to be guest posting over here! Thank you so much for the opportunity
Love love love reading your blogs Stephanie…they are truly God speaking thru you!
it's scary to let ourselves be vulnerable… even to God, who sees it all anyway… but He's so good at putting broken things back together, making us beautiful, if we just let Him! I know this to be true, practicing as if it's true is another thing sometimes
amy in peru
Beautiful, beautiful post Stephanie! I love how God is able to take those ugly areas of our lives and turn them into something so amazing. I have no doubt that He will use your testimony to speak to other women who need to hear it! Thank you for sharing it with us!
it is scary to be vulnerable! the very thing that scares us is the very thing that can heal us. Steph..I am grateful for your sharing. It is all of us…women who long for our own heart changes. sharing those..inspiring others to change and so the change begins for others.
Don't worry about linking up…may not be the direction www is supposed to go…at least every week:) Really…so just want it to be what God wants it to be..ya know?
love you all!
beautiful, stephanie. thanks for sharing your life. your honesty. your heart.
That was an amazing post. Thank you for sharing! God just knows who he wants us to be and what we can do. We always short change ourselves and discourage ourselves with beliefs we let other people teach us. I'm guilty of it too. We are not what our situations experiences make us to be…we are what God made us to be….beautiful. With him all things are possible!! =)
Dear Stephanie, Thank you so much for literally opening yourself up and for your heart that is evident.
This part was so raw and therefore in the courage it took to live and write it, beautiful:
It was like surgery that you had to stay awake for.
What a powerful image and wow, He really is the Great Healer, isn't He? Praising Him for you and your fight to be real! Blessings:)
Stephanie, what an amazing story and testimony you have. You are so brave to share it as well as your beautiful heart. I loved this part "God put me back together. He had to do some breaking, but He put me back together."
Beauty from ashes.
Blessings to you and Tiffini,
Erin
Oh, Steph, you know, you've alluded to the abuse in your posts before, but I didn't know the story. I just want to thank you for sharing this story, for allowing the beauty of His redemption to flower in you and reach others. You are doing a mighty work, friend.
Thank you all so much for the amazing feedback. It's always a little scary to lay out your dirty laundry for everyone to see, but God blesses my socks off every time I get the courage to do it. Love you girls! You all have blessed me today with your kind encouraging comments.
This was a powerful post and strikes close to home. I've walked this path with my husband. Every word you write about the healing process I've witnessed. I have the greatest respect for you, for him & the millions of broken hearts that can relate to these wounds. The most beautiful beautiful picture is to see God arranging the broken to make SUCH a masterpiece…like a quilt or stained glass. The process is healing me – me with different "stuff". THANK YOU!
Blessings ~